Very Bad Times...

When I was 17, things were looking down for me.

My last two boyfriends had told me they decided not to be gay anymore after our first time sleeping together... and I was really broken up about it.  I started wondering whether it was MY fault that they were changing their entire lifestyles...


The day after the second break-up was my 17th birthday... and my parents bought me a pony.  I had always been able to tell that they hated me, and decided to use their present as a means to kill myself and cause them as much pain as possible.

I bought a bunch of watermelons and honeydew melons and had my pony practice jumping up and down on them.  After I felt he was sufficiently trained, I starved him for three days and then put my head on the ground underneath his hooves.

I woke up in the hospital three days later -- my parents had found the horse chewing on the back of my leg and I was bleeding severely from multiple blunt force trauma wounds to the head.

The doctor told me I had suffered fairly severe brain damage, but to be honest I don't really notice a difference.

My parents bought me a shotgun for my next birthday and let me put the pony down, so now I'm happy again.
Carazord Carazord
22-25, M
5 Responses Jul 31, 2007

Woah I just realized I was up from 2am until 5am writing that long post! Apperently feeling suicidal plus a slight overdose on my mom's dxm and then feeling like major shitaki after being high= great advice to others struggling with suicidal thoughts: Comment on others posts and encourage them to get better! You're thinking "Me? Ha no way can I be of help when I'm considering taking my life at this very moment!" But seriously I was looking for ways to commit suicide and I stumbled upon this site and I figured I should probably try to do something nice before I die so I guess I will post some encouraging tips that will help overcome the pain that drives people to pop pills, slit wrists, put a gun to our head or other ways of suicide. It can be hard to think of reasons to stay alive ourselves because we deny ourselves any way out because the pain is driving us. When you think of reasons to prevent someone else or help them the ideas seem to flow much easier. As soon as I started posting a few things I wasn't feeling so suicidal anymore, I actually felt good! But that could also be because the dxm was kicking in haha. But encouraging and thinking positive thoughts was really therapeutic for me. I realized that what I was posting was good advice and why can't I use it on myself? Some advice I actually remembered from what my counselor told me 2 years ago! So I started thinking is suicide really my only option? Part of me is actually saying no! I am so surprised because I have been dead set on suicide for MONTHS! I was just trying to plan the right time and lay low. But I realize there is no right time because it's not the right thing to do! I think there was some crazy God intervention there because I feel like praising God! Hallelujah! haha well who knows if this is the dxm, one of my rare bi-polar highs or a God intervention :p Im just super greatful for this site! Every story on here is inspiring me to have hope and I desperately hope other people are inspired by others and by my own experiences to consider all their options and realize and prevent suicide! Luv4evr -B

To be honest this story really shocked me.. but I do realize that everyone deals with pain differently and this is how you dealt with the immense emotional pain that you were feeling. People may be mean and say cruel things about how you dealt with your pain because they don't feel the same way, but you should not feel ashamed. Pain causes people to do crazy things and who are we to judge what is the wrong or right way to deal with the insanely painful feelings we have? I'm not saying that the way that you dealt with your pain was healthy because anything causing harm is not healthy but I want you to know I don't judge you and I hope you can recover from all the hurt and confusion from your life. I strongly encourage you to seek therapeutic help or counseling to help you deal with the issues that you struggle with because once you can talk about the things that have caused your pain you will find that you are a happier person that has so much potential in life. This is your life and you deserve to find love, peace, and ultimately happiness. I know so many people who are healing and becoming so happy and free of emotional turmoil because of counseling. Counseling is not just for insane people or rich people who want to complain about their problems to someone, many people believe this. Counseling is actually just talking about things that you have gone through and being encouraged and guided so you can become a stronger and happier person. Counseling will not help you if you don't really want to get better. To benefit from counseling you have to make an effort to heal from your emotional wounds and change how you live your life. Counselors are there to help you sort out your feelings and provide you with the "tools", so to speak, that will help you overcome your hurt from the past and help you deal with the hardships that life throws at you which occur in the present and in the future. No one is forcing you to become a happy and thriving person. To overcome the emotional damage that has occurred in your life it has to be your goal and something you continually strive for. It is so hard to want better for yourself when all you know is pain and suffering. I personally know I feel this way. I had been going to a counselor for quite some time and I wasn't trying to get better. I was continuing to reinforce negative and hurtful thoughts in my head and I expected my counselor to "magically" make me happy by saying the right things even though I was lying to him. I felt frustrated and angry that I wasn't feeling any better and that I was still suicidal and depressed. Then my counselor said the most important speech I have ever heard in my entire life, “All you know is pain and suffering, you are comfortable with misery because it is all you have ever known yet you aren't content because you know there is something else besides pain out there. The emotional hurt you have experienced was completely out of your control and to survive you just learned to live with it and accept it as a part of life. You should not feel guilty for all the emotional torment that people have inflicted upon you because it was something that was out of your control. Sadly, they used you as an outlet for their unresolved anger, resentment, and pain even though you were innocent and undeserving of the emotional abuse; no matter what a child does they don't deserve to be abused in any way. But now you have the chance to overcome the damage inflicted by people or circumstances that were out of your control. I know and believe that you are a strong and wonderful person, especially for enduring under such emotional abuse for this long, but if you want to be truly happy, at peace with yourself and healed of the wrongfully inflicted harm, you have to want healing more than anything. I can't magically fix you because you are the only person who can decide that you want better for yourself. You should want better for yourself simply because you are an important and beautiful human being who deserves a joyful, wonderful life full of beautiful things and most importantly to feel unconditionally loved. So if you want better for yourself you have to remind yourself of the countless reasons to keep striving for happiness, especially when you are feeling depressed, worthless, or that this is not worth the journey because you will fail and that giving up is your best bet. But now you have the chance to heal yourself and prove that you can become an even stronger person and most importantly that you can overcome the abuse that others have inflicted upon you. If you don't try to become the burden-free person that you have the chance to be, you will have to live with knowing that you kept yourself from trying and most likely experiencing such a perfectly satisfying pure love that may seem impossible now but it is completely possible if a person puts effort into the journey of healing. If you feel or have felt that the pain that came from others was or is enough to lead you to suicide, then the pain and guilt you will experience from passing up the chance to heal from that unbearable pain will destroy you. You won't realize it at first but then it will catch up to you and you will recognize that you have inflicted so much emotional damage on yourself and others and that you have wasted so much precious time that could have spent enjoying life's many gifts which will cause that unbearably overwhelming sense of failure not only to yourself but to others who spent so much energy, time, and love trying to support your recovery because although it's not easy to believe, they care about you and deeply love you despite how much it hurts to see you in pain. They may seem angry towards you or to others even though deep down they will unmercilessly blame themselves and feel such guilt and pain no matter how much you say it’s not their fault. So much more pain is created because of the choice to remain in a state of pain, darkness, and unwillingness to accept love and healing although so many people care and only want to help you recover from the pain that they have see you suffer from every single day. They feel helpless and now so many more loving people have become affected by the pain created by people who felt the same way. If you won't try for yourself because you don't feel worth it, try for the people who love and care about you even though every bit of effort is worth it because are such an amazing human being with so much potential, so much to offer, and so much more to experience from life. Every human being deserves a chance to experience unconditional love and pure happiness. I can't guarantee it will be easy and that there won't be countless tears and days when you struggle to find the motivation to get out of bed, but I promise you I will help you and encourage you every step of the way if you really want to get better and if you try as hard as you possibly can." After that I walked out of the room. I realize now I should have stayed because I could have saved myself from digging a deeper hole. It's been 2 years since then and I have just recently and finally realized that getting better is my only option and I am not going to settle for less because I will not let the pain that deeply wounded me, caused by other hurting people to now control my own decisions. I have been given the chance to stop this cycle of unresolved pain, anger and emotional abuse from being continued and even though I wish I did not have depression, suicidal thoughts and suffer from the effects of abuse, my family, my friends and most importantly, I will be proud of myself when I become a stronger, happier, and loving person. I don't know if any of this means anything to you but I hope it inspires you to strive to overcome the crazy and painful troubles of life, and I hope it shows anyone who reads this who is thinking of putting that gun to their head or downing that bottle of pills that there is hope for something better, all you have to do is try and reach out to those who are willing to help. I hope everyone reading this learns something important from it. I desperately hope and pray that people have the strength and motivation to persevere through the rough times, even when things seem oh so ridiculously impossible (I've been there MANY times),<br />
and even if you don't know why you keep holding on, you hold onto that tiny bit of hope even if you can't think of a reason why. If anyone needs encouragement or motivation contact me. When I help others I feel better about myself and that I have a purpose and a reason to live. I love you all and continue to stay strong! <3 Luv4evr -B

Really hun, i don't know what to say about this-- it seems a little disturbing to tell you the truth.<br />
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I'm sorry for your pain, but i don't think you are really dealing with it well.

"I had always been able to tell that they hated me, and decided to use their present as a means to kill myself" So you took the hint from the pony and you tried to kill yourself with the Pony and you didnt get any hints from the shotgun... lmao<br />
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Dude, I think you really are braindamaged please get help.

Why didnt you use the shotgun on yourself instead of the poor pony?

yea, its not the pony's fault