Many Times...

I've been anorexic for a long time; back and forth between it an bulimia. I've also been a cutter, though I haven't cut in a few years. It used to be really bad when I was younger. My boyfriend didn't understand (can't really expect him to be able to), my parents were in denial, my father was overcritical of me, I was bored to death in everything that I did. Basically, I stayed home and hated myself all the time. I tried to kill myself more times than I can count. In ways, I don't know how I'm alive.

 

I can't remember this part of my life too clearly, but I remember one time when I'd gone 2-3 days without food. I was really fuxing angry at myself (why I don't remember--I probably didn't have a reason) and I locked myself in my bathroom around 11:00 one night. I started cutting myself with razor blades, fully cognizent that with my body's current (in)ability to maintain regular bodily functions, the blood loss combined with my lack of food could easily result in death, and I didn't care--I wanted it to happen, though at the time I didn't want to admit to myself that I wanted it to happen because I thought that would make me "more fuxed up" than I already was. I cut so much. I can't remember most of it, it's just a blur. I remember waking up sprawled on the floor, getting up (I had a candle burning so my parents, if they got up, wouldn't notice a light from under the bathroom door) and in the flicker of the light, realizing that there was blood on the floor, in the bathtub, on the toilet, handprints on the walls, I turned around and saw the mirror--and there was blood on my face. There was so much blood. I don't know how I survived that.

One time, it was outright intentional suicide attempt. I was home alone and got super angry at myself, at everything. I took two bottles of over-the-counter sleeping pills along with a bottle of aspirin. I used straight vodka to take all of the pills, taking 2-3 at a time. I fell asleep and woke up puking my guts up on the kitchen floor.

These were really hard times. I still go through bouts of depression and self hatred. Sometimes the thought of suicide flashes through my mind, but it seems more absurd to me than practical now. After all I've been through--I'm leaving for college in a few weeks--I can't die now. I just can't.

Nicole

Vexier Vexier
18-21, F
1 Response Aug 4, 2007

You are so strong to have made it this far! You are a living miracle and in inspiration that things can get better! I appreciate you sharing your story on here! If I could ask one favor of you is to tell people to be aware and caring for people who are going through these crazy struggles and use your story to show that there is hope and that suicide and anorexia can be prevented! Spread the word :) You are a strong, intelligent, amazing person who can make a change in this world! Continue on your road to recovery and don't be afraid to ask for support! We are here for you girl :) Luv4evr -B