I'm Afraid of the Spiritual Consequences

I want to die.  I want to die so badly.  I suffer from schizophrenia and have had suicidal ideation since 4th grade.  I am 26 now and not a day goes by where I dont think about suicide.  I have never attempted it because if I did I would guarantee lethal results via hanging or shotgun to the head.  I've even considered jumping off a 2000 foot cliff.  But there is something that always holds me back, the spiritual consequences.  My best friend is my mom I can't stand the thought of hurting her by killing myself or my family for that matter.  Now let me state that I am not confined by religious dogma or any religion for that matter.  I don't believe in jesus christ or the bible, but I do have a firm belief in the afterlife and some sort of god or gods.  The main doctrine I place my beliefs in is a website called www.near-death.com

There is a section dedicated to near-death experiences of people who have attempted suicide.  And they all say the same thing.  Not that you'll go to hell, because lets face it, a hell of fire and brimstone and some goat-devil man is superstitious and down right absurd.  The real hell is a state of mind for people who cannot forgive themselves and others.  It is a place of introspective blackness and a place that immature souls spend as much time as need be for the growth of their souls to see the light of love.

This is what scares me.  I'm afraid that my family would never forgive me and the effect it would have on their lives.  I'm afraid of being stuck earth-bound having to witness to the choas I've left behind.  I'm afraid of the blackness and the damage I'd do my soul.  I'm afraid of reincarnation and having to go through this hell again and again until I get it right. Sometimes I wonder if I've killed myself in a previous life and that my only task here on earth is to learn how not to kill myself. 

I pray to god that god will kill me so that I don't have to kill myself.  I don't know how much longer I can survive.  I need the mercy of god to take my spirit.  I really dont want to kill myself but I feel like I probably will someday if god doesn't hurry up and do my dirty work for me.  The ultimate ultimatum. 

I feel like I am a worthless defect of a human being.  what good am I?  My mental illness has taken my brain hostage and it's all I can do to even breath.  I am in severe mental anguish, my brain hurts, it hurts to even think.  Sadly my medication isn't much relief from the thoughts that torture me.  I just hope that god, if you are out there that you will please make it stop.  I love you god very much.  Please have mercy!  Everyone else, pray for me. 

energyoftheuniverse energyoftheuniverse
26-30, M
3 Responses Aug 16, 2007

I just prayed for you. There is no cure or medication that helps my condition and every minute is hell. I'm also afraid of suffering even more and I'm devastated as it is about making my mom suffer already due to my own role in causing my head injury et al.

I know what you mean. I went through this and in the end, they're enough of a reason to stay alive, so you don't feel worse in death than in life, if there is an afterlife.

I am not one to pray, but I know where you are coming from. The fact that I may inflict pain on others is what keeps me from killing myself. My own life sucks, but that's no reason to make everyone elses' suck too.<br />
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You are not a worthless human being. Torturous thoughts are a sign of humanity. After all, everyone's worst enemy is their own selves, which is why most people hide from themselves.