Obviously It Didn't Work..but Here It Is.

 Just by looking at me, one would never think that I would attempt suicide.  I never spoke to anyone about any hardships. I was quiet, but when I had to speak to someone I always sounded shy, but happy.  The pleasant type, the girl that everyone thought had life figured out, was responsible, and could handle anything life threw at her. Obviously, that wasn't the case or I wouldn't have joined this experience. 

I secretly self-harmed for years.. and when I got to college it had to stop.. so I attempted to overdose, i did all the calculations and everything.. if my roommate hadn't kept walking in, it would have worked. she shouldn't have been there.  I had chosen times to take the pills (I had 3 entire bottles of them to take. just to make sure) when she should have been in class. I tried that 3 times, and she just kept ruining it.  The last time I tried I was going to jump headfirst over the side of the stairs in my dorm.. but the stairs were too popular that day.. I waited and people just kept coming. and I got mad, ran back to my room.. was furious.. found myself angry with God for not letting me do it, and ended up praying and giving my life to him that night.  I haven't attempted since, and it's difficult to change, but I can do it.

constantcalculation constantcalculation
18-21, F
2 Responses Mar 26, 2009

Thank you. : ) Learning to allow fellowship into my life is helping.

I am sorry you had to go through all that just to come to a saving knowledge of God, but however you get there is good. I struggle and battle with the thoughts more than I care to. Something that has helped is the fact as a Christian if you kill yourself than you still go on living, albeit in God's presence. But I do not want to face God for all eternity (that is a long time) knowing that I decided my life was long enough and it was time for me to quit. I want to have my life end when God says it is time. I have a hard time with this sometimes but it helps when I think about it. Maybe this will help. If not just need to talk my ears are always on.