Gunshot

Back in August I shot myself in the head. I was in the woods were I practice marksmanship and had just finished off the last of my AK 47 mag when a really strong hopeless feeling hit me.  I have been diagnosed with what my psychiatrist calls "double depression" when you are always depressed to some extent, but you also have "lows" on top of that.  Shooting always helps me when Im a little depressed, but its not always the safest thing to do obviously.  For that short time I felt the worst ive ever felt in my life, and felt that it was time to leave.  Since I wanted my parents to recieve my insurance money (suicide is not covered) i wanted it to look like an accident so I held the revolver kinda down at my side, aimed it as best I could at my forehead and pulled the trigger.  I figured they would think I thought the gun was unloaded and was just walking back to my truck.  My aim was a little off though, and the bullet hit me in the cheek, traveled up through my eye socket (which severed my optic nerve and permanently blinded me) and lodged in my frontal lobe.  The shock of the bullet hitting me snapped me out of all feeling and almost knocked me down ( the gun was only a .32 calibre).  As I realized I wasnt dead, my mind went into a panic like i havent dreamed pf before.  I stood there for a minute dazed and then my mouth almost instantly filled with blood.  I ran to my truck and drove as fast as the mountain roads would allow.  The trip normally is about 10 minutes, but I can only remember almost hitting another car coming around a turn.  When i got to the hospital I could barely walk from the massive blood loss ( like giving blood about 3 times in a day) and they cleared a bed and started stabilizing me.  About that time I blacked out (probably something they gave me) and woke up breifly when my girlfriend came in and again when i heard the helicopter they were loading me into.  They flew me to a larger hospital, about a 2 hour drive, in about 30 minutes i think.  The next thing I remember was being fit for a catheter (which is not pleasant) and the doctor saying something to me which i dont remember.  I was in the I.C.U. for 3 days, and in the hospital for a total of 6.  After I was released, I told my parents and total of 2 friends that the whole thing was an accident. The only people who know what really happened are my girlfriend and my psychiatrist.  This is the first time ive told anybody what really happened and honestly it feels better than any counseling ive ever been to. The whole experence made my depression worse but one thing happened that makes it all I guess worth it.  When they wheeled me down for surgery to remove the bullet, I honestly believed I was going to die.  There was absolutely NO doubt in my mind that this was it.  Ive been shooting my whole life just about it and I know what a bullet does and the massive damage it causes to tissue, so in the short time they were wheeling me down and prepping me for surgery, I honestly made peace with dying. To honestly know you are about to die is a very strange feeling, and as most people in this group can agree with me it is like nothing else in the world.  The only good thing Ive brought out of this experence is that i honestly look forward to dying, not in a depressed way like i did before, but genuinely.  This occasionly works against me when i find myself cleaning my AK or working on a new rifle.  I dont know what stops me from doing it again, but something i dont understand does.  Im sorry this was soo long, but it takes a lit tle bit to get it all out.  Thank yo soo much for reading this, it really feels good to finally tell somebody.  I hope you all are doing better than i am at the moment, Lord willing I may see you again.

omega874 omega874
22-25, M
1 Response Feb 13, 2010

wow. that was an amazing story. just amazing. i cant blieive you lived to.