August 21st, 2008

This is the day I would have died, had I been successful at killing myself.  

A heavy burden of guilt and shame, thoughts of how I have failed myself and others, constantly reminding myself how disgusting I thought I was, and memories of my deceased mother fueled my need to want the pain to end.    I also want to punish myself (as sick as this may sound) because of who I thought I was at that moment....a piece of crap.

So I started cutting myself, hoping this would suffice in giving myself what I deserved, but it wasn't enough.  I had an eye injury at the time, so I sprayed bathroom cleaner in my injured eye.   I know this was a very demented thing to do, but I want to cause myself pain.  The stinging and the burning still was not enough.  I was in a very twisted state; I wanted to end my pain, but at the same time hurt myself for causing it.

After while, I decided that the only way I could make this right, to rid the world of someone like myself, was to die.  I wrote a small note, letting whoever found me know that my younger brother was to get everything I had and to give my cats a good home.    I gathered my pills, swallowed them, and hoped for what I thought was the best.

I was found by a coworker of mine (they were concerned because no one heard from me that day) and I got to the emergency room in time.   After that, I spent some time at a mental facility.

Well this is my story, I am tearing up as I type this.   It's so hard to think about me at the lowest point in my life, especially since I feel I haven't fully recovered from this.

Best wishes to all of you here.


VenusKane VenusKane
26-30, F
Feb 18, 2010