I'm Not Even That Friendly, But...

I think I was 13 or so when I first had to give someone a real 'burning bridges' kind of message. She was one of those friends who I liked in the begininng, but rang every day wanting to hang out.
"Sorry I'm busy today"
"What about tomorrow"
"Actually I'm busy all week, we have family staying"
"What about next week?"
..it goes on.

Later that year I started to recieve phonecalls from a guy from school. Named Lincoln, he claimed to have been in love with me for months. I didn't even know he existed. I told him pretty bluntly that although he seemed nice, we were from different worlds. He was a loser, I was popular. It would never work. Rough, but it got rid of him. Sort of.

When I was 16, a guy I worked with at the supermarket (Josh) invited me to a party. We got on well and started meeting on weekends to ride motorbikes and watch action movies. He was like the big brother I never had. Late one night he announced that he was in love with me and could not go on living while I see other guys. Whoa. I told him in no uncertain terms that he was a friend only. I had to talk him out of three suicide attempts over the years. Luckily he moved to Australia to try and rebuild his life and I went to University. Far far away.

In the first year at University I became quite close with Raquel, who was in my classes. She lived in my dorm and although she had a lot of radical ideas, she seemed nice. I worked all hours at a hotel and I slowly realised she was waiting up for me to get home at 3am, 4am etc. I started to come home in the dark, so she wouldn't see my light on, and in the mornings she would demand to know what time I got in. She would change her classes to fit mine and spent all her time in my room instead of hers. She always showed up with 'thoughtful' presents when she did, so I felt too bad to kick her out. Obviously, eventually, I expolded one day when she was trying to monopolise my affairs so that they would fit in with hers. and I threatened her life... and I never saw her again.

About this time I recieved a call from Mum. Josh was back from Australia and had been turning up at home all hours demanding my new cell phone number and wanting to know my address...

In second year I had to work on a group project. I hate group projects. Daniel was a film geek like me and naturally we went to see a movie together once we had finished. He had a gorgeous girlfriend and I had a partner I loved muchly, so I thought it was all platonic. He insisted we hang out more but I was too busy. Then one day I saw him at Uni and he was a mess; she had left him. He told me he really needed a friend right now and didn't want to be alone. What could I do? I said we could go out for a drink. Then, despite me living very close and refusing the ride many times, he gave me a ride home. He started crying on the doorstep and I had to invite him in. He ended up staying on the couch. He started turning up all the time after that. I would say I was sick/ drunk / didn't want to see anyone /anything. But he still turned up, and like Raquel, with gifts. Like my favourite wine and chocolate. I couldn't just take them and shut the door in his face. When I refused to answer the door he would leave them on the doorstep.

Uni project #2, Amelie and I left it to the last minute so ended up pulling all-nighter to get our presentation done on time. At some stage during that night she tells her deepest darkest secrets (whoa). As we leave to hand in the assignment at the 9am deadline, delerious with caffiene, she says I am her soulmate . I say I have to go home and sleep now. She begs me to stay at hers instead. I leave. Now I live in a certain house in this city, which everybody knows. The rocket house. Earlier in the evening (not knowing she was crazy) I had told her I was from the rocket house. This comes back to haunt me later because half the city knows when the rocket house is having a party..
So Saturday night, a few weeks later, Amelie appears amongst the crowd but I am so drunk I don't really care. The next day I realise some of my lingerie is missing. Furthermore, my expensive corsetry is missing. It lives in my, err, sex toy drawer. Which is in a well hidden place. Naturally, I suspect it was a guy. Turns out it was Amelie.

At some stage when I see Daniel moping around Uni he introduces me to Jordan. Jorgan is a bizarre little guy with some serious social problems, and constantly rubs his hands together, smiling. Realising he is in ALL of my classes, Jordan sits with me for the rest of the day. At the end of our last class I leave for home. Even though he lives in the opposite direction he continues to walk along beside me, slightly behind, until he is quite far from home. I try various hints. I can't lose him.
"Jordan why aren't you going in the direction of your home?"
"I might visit a friend who lives down here"
I make so many crappy excuses of errands to run, but he follows me through the lingerie store, the liquor store and the supermarket on my route home. I end up texing CODE RED to my friends, and one rings to say she has been 'raped' and I need to come to the hospital immediately. He witnesses the dramatics of the fake phone call but still wants to come. I tell him not to, its awkward; my friend just got RAPED after all. He says he will wait outside.
"WAIT? What for!?"
I get rid of him in the end but soon enough he finds out that I live in the rocket house through word of mouth. On many occassions when I pop out for something I find him hanging around nearby, with no real reason to be there ("Just enjoying the sun"). *Shudder*

Remember Lincoln? Well he adds me on facebook right about now and I foolishly accept. It has been almost 10 years, i might as well be civil after the cruel things I said. It starts off harmlessly enough, but soon he tells me he is still in love with me. He is moving to my city next month. Ugh!!!

Michael was a friend of my partner who I always got a cold vibe from. He was always standoffish and I figured he didn't approve of me. After my partner and I broke up, I saw him at a party and he was much friendlier than usual. He said we should hang out, I said sure and gave him my number. I went out for one drink with him during which he was sooooooooo friendly it scared the hell out of me. I went home. He started texting and calling a lot. I would say I was busy...
"What about tomorrow?"
"Busy all week"
"The next week?"
"Honey, I'm booked up for like the next year" (yes I honestly said it)
"and then?" (yes, he really did say that, too)
I stopped replying, stopped answering the phone. It took months for the messages to die down, I still get one every now and then.

At some stage during this year I recieve a phonecall from Amelie telling me she is off her meds, she is alone and needs to stay with me as I am her only friend.
Me; "What's wrong with your house?"
"I can't be alone right now"
"Well my f*** buddy is coming over tonight so you can't stay"
"I will sleep on the couch"
"Last time you came you stole my underwear"
"I'm sorry! I will bring it back"
....and so it goes. I just hung up in the end, and went and stayed at my friends in case she turned up at my house.

His name was Mark and the Rocket house was his first time out of home. He had just moved from Ireland and didn't know many people so I took him with me to a party or two. We both had adventurous love lives and traded sex stories all the time. We hung out most nights but after a few months I realised something wasn't right. He stayed in if I was staying in and went out if i was going out. He never did ANYTHING without consulting me first.
"Red wine or white wine?"
"Blue shirt or Green Shirt?"
"Should I shave or just go like this?"
"Should I study portuguese or Spanish?"
..and so it went on. Soon I realised that I had made him into the ideal man. He had the perfect clothes, the perfect aftershave, the perfect hair, all the right moves. Soon he would bring home the perfect woman, right?
Wrong. Others said he was absolutely smitten with me, but what did they know? His reaction to me getting a serious boyfriend proved them right. He was like a puppy that had been kicked in the guts, moping around the house and whimpering. Every time there was a lull in conversation it went back to "but what is so wrong with me that you picked HIM?" It had all gone pear-shaped and I was left with no other choice than to tell him I didn't want to be friends anymore. And I moved out.

And now? I am on the otherside of the world, in a country whose language I do not speak.

Vowing never to fall victim to the clingies again.

I meet a friendly girl in a bar, who speaks English (thank god!).

I tell her how busy I am with my job, but agree to meet for a movie some time.

Now, she won't stop calling... (Ideas?)
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Aug 6, 2010