"everything You Say Can/will Be Held Against You..."

Without sounding too philosophical, there are things you just KNOW about yourself. In my case, I knew from the time I was a child that becoming a mother was not in my best interest. I never thought much of it because I never had any real desire to be one. But through a series of lapses in judgement (which my psychiatrist believes was influenced strongly by an undiagnosed anxiety disorder) I became pregnant. My husband, family, and in-laws forced me to keep the child and offered no support despite my challenged pregnancy frought with severe depression. After my son was born, I knew I had Post Pardom Depression, but my doctor insisted I was fine after my 6 week wellness check up.  I wept into my husbands arms every night and confessed to him my feelings.  On several occassions I confessed to having homicidal and suicidal thoughts.  He refused to believe anything was wrong.  I sought help and advice from my parents as well as in-laws and they gave me the same response: If the doctor says you're fine, then you must be.
One night my husband caught me before I could commit suicide... he took me to a doctor and a therapist the next day.  The tragedy in this being two-fold.  The doctor misdiagnosed me with basic depression and put me on an antidepressant that actually increases thoughts of suicide in people who's depression is coupled with severe anxiety.  And the therapist verbally harassed me and asked extremely inappropriate sexual questions (I later found out that he wasn't licensed in the state and was being investigated by the police).
In the weeks that followed I became extremely aggressive and verbally abusive to all those around me.  My husband feared for our son's safety, took him and left me. Again, by the grace of God, my second suicide attempt was thwarted by a friend/co-worker.  I will skip over all the ridiculous hoops my husband made me jump through in order to see my son again, but I will say that in the year I wept all my confessions and fears into my husband's arms he did nothing but remember every word I said and used those private conversations to turn all family and friends against me. He portraid me as a monster, and I have never been more betrayed.
When I was finally properly diagnosed, it was a hodge-podge stew of mood and personality altering disorders including, but not limited to: severe anxiety, clinical insomnia (undiagnosed for 18 years... they tell me that does something to your mind) Post Pardom, clinical depression, cycling disorders and posibly BiPolar disorder.
Finally on the right medication, I proved myself stable and got my husband and son back... nevertheless I have no one to confide in that I trust not to use what I say against me in the future.
It's been about 6 months and I still struggle daily... But most recently my mother-in-law spent 3 days verbally abusing me in front of my husband and he said/did nothing on my behalf and even concurred with her on several occassions.
I just don't know what to do, what to say, anymore.k
AshDash89 AshDash89
22-25, F
May 21, 2012