Today The Battle Is Hard

Today the battle is hard.
In a few days (tomorrow?  Monday maybe?  I have it written down somewhere), I will have been in recovery for 100 days.

100 days since I restricted.
100 days since I felt the rush of living off nothing more than a carrot, a piece of dry toast and an apple.
100 days since I let the voice of Ana whisper in my ear, leading my actions so that I don't have to.
100 days since I felt the rush of ticking off another goal.
100 days since I fought to stay concious and upright when my blood sugar plummetted once again.
100 days doesn't seem so long...

It's been a long, ardurous fight, and yet the war inside me still wages on.
I have days like today, and all I want to do is throw on a big hoodie and do sit ups until I puke or run until my heart stops.
Where I want to not only stop eating, but stop living altogether.
Because all I feel like I am is a fat waste of space.
And it's so ******* stupid!  Because logic tells me I'm not.  I've checked and re-checked my BMI.  It's like 21 or 22.  Even when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't think I look all that bad, because body dysmorphia has pretty much gone since my brain isn't starved.  And yet there's still that feeling.  It doesn't even have to have a reason behind it.  I just feel huge. 
And I feel useless.
And I wonder why I even decided to recover in the first place.
And I wonder why I decided to keep on living.
Why I let myself go on when I definitely have the power to stop it.

AH ****!  Seriously, I need to shake myself out of this.  I`m just sitting here in front of the computer, feeling fat and bashing on myself, considering the impossible, considering the unspeakable, that final act...

Some days are easier than others.
fadingvioletdawn fadingvioletdawn
18-21, F
1 Response May 19, 2012

I won't... no, I won't. I've put too much into it at this point to give up just because I'm having a supremely lousy day. Thank you :)