Learning To Accept Myself And My Condition Of BipolarI've hated my illness and my life for years and I often blamed myself for my illness. I never really knew how it affected me to be honest.
I'm 41 now and I became ill in my late teens. I had a very difficult family life and felt that, that had a lot to do with my illness. I first went into hospital in my mid 20's a year and a half after having my daughter. Her mother and me was always fighting and that environment was bringing up so many negative emotions for me, it constantly reminded me of my family home which became a place where most of my nightmares in my adult life stem from. I often wanted to leave my girlfriend at the time because I hated the arguments, they would get me so angry, frustrated and leave me feeling hopeless. I stayed because of my daughter, because I felt that was my duty and I wanted so much to have a family. It burnt me out completely, I gave more than I had to give. When I decided to get away I had such a bad nervous breakdown that I ended up in a mental hospital for the first time. I felt so ashamed, weak and confused. I really needed my girlfriend then
But I think the stigma of being with someone, who was considered as mad was too much for her to deal with. I had so called family around me but they didn't really help much actually they made things much worse and still do, so now I do my best to keep away from them. I did wish they were their for me, because having bipolar felt worse then death. I felt like an alien within my own body, a zombie, it was horrible. But ill end on a happy note, life is still very difficult at times, but it is definitely much better than it used to be.