I Battle Bi-polar Disorder
For those of us who are bi-polar we understand the highs and lows associated with our dz. I have experienced mood imbalances, severe depression, and anxiety, since I was a child. I have finally just now come to terms with what I am experiencing as Bi-polar disorder. I cycle every month with usually one hypo-mania state (a week or so) and a depression or deep depression state (usually 2 weeks after mania). I also can cycle in a day. Triggers, sleep, and nutrition are kept in constant consideration. I have not slept on my own (naturally) in over a year. I self medicate with melatonin 3mg, benadryl 100mg, and xanax .5-2.0mg. every night to relax to fall asleep. I believe there is a correlation between the pineal gland (melatonin production) which affects a bi-polar's circadian rhythm somehow. This is just an idea it is not held as truth in science but I do feel as though I shift from being awake and alert at night as if it were day and sleepy by day as if it were night and then it flips back to its origanal order after some time. It has been a year of insomnia and no flip back yet. Damn it.
I am also diagnosed with Major depression, GAD, and ADD. I have also experienced during severe bouts of depression auditory hullucinations such as a baby crying. I have had other minor visual hullucinations during these depressive episodes.
This is some of my history. I am trying to learn more about myself and enjoy learning and reflecting. I developed a phobia within the past couple years and I am preparing myself to overcome it. I deathly afraid of being alone. I am in a bad relationship and need to end it. However, this will mean that I will be living alone. In the past when I have tried to end my relationship with my boyfriend I shifted into a mania craze. I have lost 50lbs since the onset of that episode last summer. I have never been the same. I experienced during my nights wide awake mixed cycles. Or I believe they were mixed cycles. My psychologist just agreed with everything I said but did not give feed back. I'd feel rushed, rapid, intensly loud thoughts, they'd race and circle, there would be one or more then one. Some would be coherent and sometimes I had no control of one or all of them. I was so deeply depressed in these states with rage, dispair, self hatred, emptiness. Suicide is always a very real idea. I would pace back and forth, walk in circles, hit my head against the wall, cry, write in my journal in a different handwritting usually very lengthy and very well written but sad ideas, sometimes I would write in a circle because they felt so distorted in my mind like they were circling. I'd usually end it by taking a wopping dose of xanax & benadryl and then read a book and never fall asleep. I must say that the only thing that has ever been able to stop these very extreme and very rare episodes is marijuana. I do not drink, smoke, or take drugs but I do keep marijuana in the house for this reason only! It is the magic bullet that somehow distroys the suicide idealizations instantly.
This type of episode has been happening during the day now. It is rare but usually happens after a depressive cycle and trigger.
Is this a mixed state?
Does anyone else have these loud, rapid, and exhausting thoughts? Do you have one or more then one?
It was brought to my attention by a friend of mine who has Schizophrenia that my auditory and sometimes visual hullucinations coupled with the inner voice issue is common in those with his condition.
Any thoughts related to mixed states and what they are like will help. I want to know if this is what it is.
It is the fear of going back into this type of state again that scares me to the point that i stay in a horrible relationship. I will get out of this as I always find some positive way to adapt. Understanding what I am experiencing gives me that much more power. I already recognize many of the triggers. Has anyone experienced this and how have you coped? I am also afraid that when this happends and I am alone I won't have anyone to bring me back to reality. I will need to constantly be the one to do that. I can't say with confidence that I will always be able.
I am also diagnosed with Major depression, GAD, and ADD. I have also experienced during severe bouts of depression auditory hullucinations such as a baby crying. I have had other minor visual hullucinations during these depressive episodes.
This is some of my history. I am trying to learn more about myself and enjoy learning and reflecting. I developed a phobia within the past couple years and I am preparing myself to overcome it. I deathly afraid of being alone. I am in a bad relationship and need to end it. However, this will mean that I will be living alone. In the past when I have tried to end my relationship with my boyfriend I shifted into a mania craze. I have lost 50lbs since the onset of that episode last summer. I have never been the same. I experienced during my nights wide awake mixed cycles. Or I believe they were mixed cycles. My psychologist just agreed with everything I said but did not give feed back. I'd feel rushed, rapid, intensly loud thoughts, they'd race and circle, there would be one or more then one. Some would be coherent and sometimes I had no control of one or all of them. I was so deeply depressed in these states with rage, dispair, self hatred, emptiness. Suicide is always a very real idea. I would pace back and forth, walk in circles, hit my head against the wall, cry, write in my journal in a different handwritting usually very lengthy and very well written but sad ideas, sometimes I would write in a circle because they felt so distorted in my mind like they were circling. I'd usually end it by taking a wopping dose of xanax & benadryl and then read a book and never fall asleep. I must say that the only thing that has ever been able to stop these very extreme and very rare episodes is marijuana. I do not drink, smoke, or take drugs but I do keep marijuana in the house for this reason only! It is the magic bullet that somehow distroys the suicide idealizations instantly.
This type of episode has been happening during the day now. It is rare but usually happens after a depressive cycle and trigger.
Is this a mixed state?
Does anyone else have these loud, rapid, and exhausting thoughts? Do you have one or more then one?
It was brought to my attention by a friend of mine who has Schizophrenia that my auditory and sometimes visual hullucinations coupled with the inner voice issue is common in those with his condition.
Any thoughts related to mixed states and what they are like will help. I want to know if this is what it is.
It is the fear of going back into this type of state again that scares me to the point that i stay in a horrible relationship. I will get out of this as I always find some positive way to adapt. Understanding what I am experiencing gives me that much more power. I already recognize many of the triggers. Has anyone experienced this and how have you coped? I am also afraid that when this happends and I am alone I won't have anyone to bring me back to reality. I will need to constantly be the one to do that. I can't say with confidence that I will always be able.
By:
Voiceless
Age:
26-30
2
responses
