Now What...

Writing I found before my diagnosis referring to how I have been unable to have a health relationship with a man and what I should do to do so. Probabaly written about a year ago.

What can I do to change these behaviors- not interact that way with them, fulfill desire for intimacy and loneliness by healthy relationships and interactions with others. What is blocking me from doing that? – anxious around people (stressful to be around others), need time alone, exhausted from responsibilities do not want to be around other people, don’t enjoy spending a lot of time socializing with others, prefer to isolate be alone, problems with isolation- makes me weird- a bit paranoid, too interoverted, makes being around others harder, act out when alone, get too introspective,
How can I have more intimacy in my relationships? Being honest- not doing anything don’t want others to know about- controlling behavior so not doing anything have to hide, being transparent- not having secrets, spending time with more people, opening up more, relaxing, not being so busy or stressed that I don’t want to be around anyone, decreasing isolation time, not drinking or smoking too much.
Things I don’t like about myself and in my life want to change
• Drinking or smoking pot by myself: finding something else to do with my time to calm down or relive boredom
• Isolation- limit how much time I spend alone- reach out or go to a café ect.
• Bulimia- don’t over eat or over drink so do not do that
• Double life stuff- doing things will not tell anyone about- don’t get too drunk or lonely where act out
• Marinating sexually oriented relationships- give time for relationship to develop, stop engaging in bad relationships
• Holding on to unhealthy relationships- move on, accept past and allow future to unhold- do not recreate past in future by maintain relationship that will reinforce behaviors.
• Not letting go or living in the presence- meditate and exercise
• Lying to self and others- don’t’ do anything need to hide about
• Not meditating or taking care of myself on a regular basis
• Working too much and always staying busy, little time just to play or relax- moments available used to fulfill responsibilities, escape or catch up on past work.

Follow up 1 year later:

I have been bipolar since I was young, but was generally always diagnosed with anxiety/depression. I tried to use drugs, alcohol, sex, school, food/no food, work, anything to get out of myself and how I feel. I have created a lot of havoc and upset/hurt many people in the process and am now trying again not to drink. I didn't drink for a long time and started again last year. Drinking was making my bipolar much more severe.
My friends and family all said that when I wasn't drinking my bp was more under control, but the truth is that I just handled it in a more "socially appropriate" way by having eating disorders, straight A student, getting a masters, excellent employee, sleep only with ex boyfriends (not one night stands), and get "out of control" manic or depressed in the privacy of my own home and rest assured no one would know about it (or at least not too much to worry). On one hand I am annoyed that I am not allowed to live my life how I want to live it, but also am acutely aware of how much my illness and choices effect other people and my future. I am not sure if I will enjoy my life not drinking again, I like the additional highs and lows. I just don't like ******* people off or ruining relationships or feeling ashamed of something I may have done. I find some of it hypocritical also because there is this unacceptability of tragedy or chaos or problems. Like we are supposed to be happy or deserve to be happy. I find it so arrogant to that we are some how entitled to these things. They are gifts that not everyone gets. I certainly do not expect it unless I am manic of course hahaha. But even then I can't fully enjoy it because it isn't "socially acceptable" which just perpetuates me feeling like something is wrong with me. I know theoretically something is, but isn't something wrong with everyone to varying degrees? I am sick of trying to contain and control my feelings or thoughts or desires so that I am not "too much" or "scare someone off" if a person can't handle my "intensity" is that a person I really want in my life? I am open and accepting to others flaws because I have compassion for those that suffer, but why can't the same be returned? I do not feel sorry for myself, I just feel victimized by societal rules. The worst part is that I have tried so hard to be "normal" and hide my illness, I am surrounded by people that make me feel shameful for doing anything outside the prescribed behavior. Although I have worked so hard to have my life a certain way, it is not what I really want because it is not representative or in line with my values or personality. Yes, life is complicated and am not sure what to do from here. I guess I should up my meds.. hahaha
honeybunny867 honeybunny867
26-30
May 11, 2012