So Overwhelming

Hey all! I'm a 25 year old sngle mom to two great little girls. :) I'm a happy, outgoing person. I have benn a mostly unmedicated rapid cycle bi polar since I was 17.

I say "mostly unmedicated" because I have tried medication on a couple occasions. Both times I had terrible side effects. most basic anti depressants did the opposite of their intentions when I was first diagnosed with basic manic depression, with bipolar tendencies at 19. I stopped all meds, and focused on leading my life. I went through some incredibly rough times, but I developed coping skills. I never would have been able to do it without the incredible support my friends and family have given me, watching my behaviour patterns, and telling me when they noticed upsetting changes, and warning signs. I started using marijuana liberally after my second pregnancy two years ago, finding that it substaially reduces my depression, and slows my racing mind down, but allowed me to function, and actually lessens the efffects of an episode of my tachycardia (rapid pulse rate). Additionally, I attempted medication again for nearly three months, taking a neurontin/seraquil mixture that helped with minor seizures and provided mood stability. However, the seraquil left me groggy, although I loved the stability, and I experienced an odd, and ultimately unacceptable side effect from the neurontin- an insane rage. When **** hit the fan, I would too. At the time, my children were with their fathers, despite my sole custody, and I was fighting the latest, and most severe round of my heart condition. While fighting to regain my health, I also had to fight their fathers in court when they cut off all contact with my children. My friends understood that my back bedroom was off limits quickly during this time- it had become my rage room. And it was destroyed. I had shattered video tapes, thrown whatever was in front of me, busted up toys slated for donation to good will, punched numerous holes in the wall. And as a heart patient, a 20 minute frenzy like one of several they witnessed wasn't no joke, sorry to say. They were frightening in their intensity. More so because of how unlike me they were, aand how they would build so quickly.

I informed my psychiatrist of the problem, and although other meds were tried, none helped me stay as stable as the neurontin. I kept it up for three months, but I was consistently telling Doc that I wasn't able to cope with the outbursts long term, and needed to find something else. When it appreared that they weren't listening. I stopped taking my medication entirely, and went back to fighting the issue single handedly. For my childrens sake I could not continue to be that angry, explosive person.

Much to my dismay, I'm finding my battle is harder than it was before. I sustained severe head trauma a year ago in a sexual assault, which has since been pinpointed as the cause of my symptoms going so haywire. Its harder for me to monitor my own behaviours and patterns, because my mind is so clouded by the bipolar, its never been this bad. Additionally, I have recently suffered the loss of numerous vital freindships, either through the natural growing apart of friends, or the unnatural ending of things. Several were key in helping me maintain control.

Any suggestions of what I can do? I have no desire to be on medication, honestly. having kept my system as clean of chemichal by products as I can (if its not homegrown, its not in my home) even tho I appreciate the emotional benfits, the physical effects are unacceptable to me. I've continued to treat with MJ, but due to decline in finances, its not possible to maintain the amounts needed to counteract the issues. I'm thinking of seeking some for of therapy, but have no idea of what kind. No health insurance makes it a bit difficult, but not impossible, so I'm looking into it. Any other suggestions?
tmkrmr tmkrmr
22-25, F
Sep 4, 2012