It's Like A Demon Inside Me...

I am possessed by the demon of being bi-polar. It ruins my life everyday... I'm bipolar type 2, so I'm more sad and suicidal than in my manics when I can be on top of the world... Even when I'm in my manics I get so irritable so fast and I don't get to experience the happy part for too long a lot of the time. Psychologists say when I got raped by someone close to me it triggered my bi-polar and I developed a severe anxiety disorder.. I've been hospitalized, I've tried the medications, I've done the therapy and it's still here. The only thing that really helped me was my husband, Derek. We met when I was 16 and I had just been freshly released from the hospital after having a severe anxiety attack and was suicidal... I'm 18 now and we have been married for about a year and no meds, no therapy, just on life.
Derek doesn't understand it, he doesn't get that I can't just turn around and be happy when I'm sad, he doesn't understand I don't want to have sex sometimes and I don't know why, I just don't. I used to pour open my veins and watch the red river flow, but I'm not allowed to do that anymore... He won't allow me to. But that's okay, I know why.
I hate being in a constant tug-of-war with my emotions. I repel people because they don't know what mood I will be in. I could be so talkative and fun one day and the next time they see me I just want to be quiet and I seem to never say the right things. I have lost so many friends and family, if I didn't have Derek I would truly just be alone in life... At least I would have my cat, Mo. He helps a lot too.
I want to have children one day, but it scares me to death... I want to be the best I can be for them. I don't want them to always wonder why mommy is sad, and even think it's because of them. It would literally break my heart... I wish it would go away.
One part of me wants to do things all the time and have a bunch of friends and party and be a great wife and just do everything under the sun and feel great. Then there's the other part of me. The other part just wants to stay home and work on my homework and watch TV all day. Doesn't want to really talk to anyone, just keep to myself. Just sit in my apartment where the outside world can't hurt me. The funny thing is, I'm the person that hurts me the most...
LadyLunaa LadyLunaa
18-21, F
2 Responses Sep 23, 2012

after the death of my wife in march of this year when i lived in Tennessee it got me bad,,medications not that helpful,,,,moved to ohio in october,, to see if a change would help,,,it followed me here,,so I am single ,live alone,,and very rarely go out,, spend alot of time online to keep my mind busy,,

I am so sorry to hear that, I can't even imagine the level of pain and suffering that brings a person... May you find peace.

thank you very much,,,time seems to heal in my case,, not sure about yours,,and my meds are working,,,trauma can really change a person

i can't say anything about the bi-polar thing. but the sadness part i have some tips that could help; try zoning out sometimes, when you're really sad and can't stand the world it helps, me at least, to stop thinking about the thing that makes me sad in the first place, and focus on something else, like perhaps in your case, Derek, who sounds lovely btw, you can try to focus on him, or a hobbie , anything goes really , the point is to stop thinking about whatever it is that bothers you. nobody is asking you to be happy when you're in fact not, it's not possible. the thing is you have to eliminate sadness, to get to the next stage, happiness! sounds totally corny, i know. but it kinda sorta works. you know someone once told me, don't surround yourself with yourself. and this is the best piece of advice anyone ever given me. and now i'm given it to you. i don't know, i just poured my thoughts in here hoping it will help :)

Thank you so much that is wonderful advice. And Derek is quite lovely thank you (: It is such a hard thing to live with and I really need those nice pieces of advice so I can learn how to cope with it!