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Never Ending?

I feel like everythin is closin in on me, I feel like every corner I turn its there and won't leave me alone. I do my best to control it and get a handle on my life and all people tell me is "I let everything ruin my day" and "why am I so serious?" And "why can't you just relax" and "why is it when you get backed into a corner it's the end of the world? Get over it" trying! Do they think we want to live this way? Do I wat to worry about snapping or being depressed the rest of my life?! Don't they think I want to be "normal" and not worry about doctor appointments or whether or not I'm overreacting? I want to be accepted as a person and for having bipolar disorder because it isn't something I chose to live with...it's not something I chose to worry about everyday
Ninja20 Ninja20 18-21, F 1 Response Dec 11, 2012

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OMG....Ninja20 you took my breathe away with your words.I have NEVER had someone describe my feelings so clearly in my life.

You sound like me at the age of 12-20-30-40 and 53 today.

It has cost me sooo much in my life as I can be sure it has cost you.In school I could read a page and then not remember what I was reading,I had trouble sleeping and concentrating.I could not relax like other people.I had digestive problems.

I went to college and bent the needle for mental testing and they even sent a Detective 250 miles to talk to me about my test scores but my medical records were a few inches thick so it was no thanks.

I went back to college and went to work for the Government were they kept trying to promote me but I turned it down knowing that stress and tension was not my friend.

I studied Psychology for over 20 years because all my doctors thought I just had a ....little....anxiety.....problem.Even when I was manic my doctor would ask me why I talked so fast and could not not sleep.I actually had to diagnose myself last year and take that concept to a new doctor.

I was happy to have a diagnosis but I then began to face STIGMA and some people left me or pulled away.I wanted to say ....LOOK....this was in my DNA ....I didn't chose to live like this.

THANK GOD the Clonazapam,Serontin and Lithium are giving me peace as well as daily walks and 8 or 9 hours of sleep.At least my body is at peace now for the first time in 53 years.

Ninja20 I have two songs that helped me to describe the way Bipolar makes me feel.I go to You Tube and look for Meat Loaf " IT JUST WON'T QUIT " with lyrics.Some call this a Bipolar song.

I also like Thriving Ivory " ANGELS ON THE MOON " which speaks to me.

But the best I have seen are your words that describe 53 years of suffering.You know that Bipolar comes with gifts and you have the gift of words.Maybe you will want to write a play called BIPOLAR AND PROUD to educate the others of what it feels like living in a body were your brain is like a runaway train pulling you off the tracks of life.

Thank you (: does knowing help you? Idk If I can trust people, will I ever have a "normal" relationship? I know it's kinda stupid but I really like this guy and yesterday he just snapped at me saying I've been down lately and put myself down and worry too much...it's not like we say we're gonna be depressed or sleep all day or anything

LISTEN,I found a woman that was kind and loving in 1979.I felt comfortable and she put up with some of my rages and moods over the last 33 years.

What you do is tell the guy all about your illness ....WHEN....you have known him for a while.Don't tell people on your 1st date or they may become afraid and run away.

When you explain that your in this mood or another then the person may be more understanding.They need EDUCATION from the MAYO CLINIC or something short like that.

When you feel comfortable with another person then you can relax a little and be yourself.That is what happened to me.Being yourself means they are unconditional.I mean you wouldn't leave someone you loved because they had cancer or Epilepsy.

Of course chemistry is the 2nd thing.

DON'T SETTLE FOR AN INSENSITIVE OR CRUEL PERSON BECAUSE YOU HAVE THIS DNA FLAW YOU INHERITED.

He was my teammate before we started talking and stuff and I didn't spring it up randomly or on our first date. I was having a bad day and felt myself slipping into depression and he noticed the change so I told him and I sent him links to good websites to read up on it and he said he did ad stuff and we had an intense conversation about it...and in te beginnig I said I was a handful but didnt say what and he said yes I was and then I told him about my disorder and he said he didt scare easily and wasn't gonna run...but now I feel he is...for whatever reason. Maybe my age but me being younger can't bother him sometimes and other times no...I really care about him but what he told me did hurt, I don't want to live the rest of my life like this but I don't have a choice but I never thought he would tell me to "snap out of it"

I believe Bipolar people need MORE communication than other couples.When I am tense I tell my wife that it's me not her....I'm just a little tense or hyper today.

Sooo this is were you test the relationship and have a conversation.It goes like this." Jake can I talk to you alone for a few minutes " " LISTEN,the other day when you you just snapped at me saying I've been down lately and put myself down and worry too much...it's not like we say we're gonna be depressed or sleep all day or anything " but I never thought YOU would tell me to "snap out of it" What's going on because that really hurt me ALOT !!

So you tell him how much that hurt him.You tell him that you didn't pick your DNA,Bipolar Disorder and you don't like what it does to you with Depression or Mania's......Then you listen ?????

His response may surprise you.You may find that he had someting bothering him so he snapped.You may find that he is insensitive and not empathetic enough to deal with illness.What he doesn't know is that he may have ALS in his DNA.

Sweety,your a good woman and relationships are so hard for normal people that 50 % of them get divorced.Bipolar people just need a person that they can trust and depend on.That person has to be sensitive,smart and understanding .WE NEED MORE COMMUNICATION than other people.Look,my aunt Lilian was in a wheel Chair because of Polio.She raised 3 good boys and she kept house and cooked for her family.Every Bipolar person I have talked to said that Bipolar people have big challenges so they need the right partner.

Take your time and test people to see if they have what it takes to love you unconditionally.

He said since I was talking about not regretting something he snapped... I agree with everything you said maybe what I need I won't find at 18 even if he is older

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