I Battle Bi-polar Disorder
You see...I have a theory as to why we are all here. We have gifts wrapped in apparent curses waiting to be discovered from the outside. We suffer in order to learn. Our impatience is a test of finding patience and our anger is a challenge to accept the things we cannot change.
We are more sensitive to the impacts of others and I'm learning to see that as a wonderful gift wrapped in pain and confusion. For it is up to us to positively impact others, while struggling so much ourselves, is actually a gift we can give ourselves. I feel more deeply and more dead emotionally and it changes every day(some days I'm happy-too happy to make any sense and others I just want to stop living-but it always passes).
I fight taking medication because I know it is up to me to learn my body and what affects it and how. Being bi-polar I have to stay away from the things I grew to love: alcohol, refined sugars, caffeine, amphetamines, so on and down the line. I had to change my entire life, and am learning how to live it all over again after 32 years of fighting to figure it out and make it make sense with whatever made me think what I was taught was the right way to think. I had to realize who I actually was and the problems I have to face. I am alive for the first time and I'm looking at my life now with hopeless optimism. I feel hopeless to correct all that I have done wrong, but hopeful that I can find a way to make it better.
I have a son I love as much as anyone can love their child, but I don't control what happens to him, even when I know it's wrong. I can't hold a job to pay child support as I can not even support myself. I am a good person with a great heart, or so I'm told, but not being able to be a good dad makes me think otherwise. I'm supposed to think it's okay since he's being taken care of and I'm considered sick, but my illness does not excuse me in my eyes. He is taking the same medication that I was that made me lose it, and his mother is too stupid to put the connection together... so I get to slowly watch my own son go right down the same ruthless path I had to... all because I'm not "qualified" to help my own son even though I know exactly what he's going to go through. I have to see this as a learning lesson for his mother and other "dad" to keep me from doing the unspeakable. And having faith that he is strong enough to endure what I did. He can, he just shouldn't have to.
So, I'm healing...actually healing without drugs - it is possible. It may not be for everyone, because of the suicide risk of leaving medication. Some will want to say that I'm not bi-polar because I don't take meds... to you I say "learn more about life my friend; we are capable of much more than we are taught believe". Thank you for letting me vent, and I hope to learn and help inspire on my journey through this beautiful website.
We are more sensitive to the impacts of others and I'm learning to see that as a wonderful gift wrapped in pain and confusion. For it is up to us to positively impact others, while struggling so much ourselves, is actually a gift we can give ourselves. I feel more deeply and more dead emotionally and it changes every day(some days I'm happy-too happy to make any sense and others I just want to stop living-but it always passes).
I fight taking medication because I know it is up to me to learn my body and what affects it and how. Being bi-polar I have to stay away from the things I grew to love: alcohol, refined sugars, caffeine, amphetamines, so on and down the line. I had to change my entire life, and am learning how to live it all over again after 32 years of fighting to figure it out and make it make sense with whatever made me think what I was taught was the right way to think. I had to realize who I actually was and the problems I have to face. I am alive for the first time and I'm looking at my life now with hopeless optimism. I feel hopeless to correct all that I have done wrong, but hopeful that I can find a way to make it better.
I have a son I love as much as anyone can love their child, but I don't control what happens to him, even when I know it's wrong. I can't hold a job to pay child support as I can not even support myself. I am a good person with a great heart, or so I'm told, but not being able to be a good dad makes me think otherwise. I'm supposed to think it's okay since he's being taken care of and I'm considered sick, but my illness does not excuse me in my eyes. He is taking the same medication that I was that made me lose it, and his mother is too stupid to put the connection together... so I get to slowly watch my own son go right down the same ruthless path I had to... all because I'm not "qualified" to help my own son even though I know exactly what he's going to go through. I have to see this as a learning lesson for his mother and other "dad" to keep me from doing the unspeakable. And having faith that he is strong enough to endure what I did. He can, he just shouldn't have to.
So, I'm healing...actually healing without drugs - it is possible. It may not be for everyone, because of the suicide risk of leaving medication. Some will want to say that I'm not bi-polar because I don't take meds... to you I say "learn more about life my friend; we are capable of much more than we are taught believe". Thank you for letting me vent, and I hope to learn and help inspire on my journey through this beautiful website.
By:
Awake13
Age:
31-35
,
Male
