I Need to Vent.

     I have Bipolar Disorder II, rapid cycling, AND mixed states. That combination can wear you out. I think about suicide every day. ---NOW! While I appreciate what comments I may get about this, please note that I do not express a wish to be dead for any reason other than to state a fact about my condition. I am suicidal all the time. But I don't wish to hear all the reasons that I SHOULDN'T feel that way, or why it's WRONG, or how it's not worth it, or that my family will suffer, or any of those things. I am much too intelligent to NOT know all of those things. I didn't share that information for pity, shock value, or to get attention. It is simply a fact. Bipolar Disorder carries with it a heavy percentage of sufferers who feel exactly the same way I do. I deal with suicidal ideations the same way I deal with ANY of my other symtpoms.....and that is: Not very well. As I get older, it gets worse. About 6 months ago I suffered the loss of a 6 year relationship. She can't handle me and my moods. Haha. I can't blame her. I am so exhausted. I cycle EVERY DAY. A rapid cycler is one who cycles through their manic and depressed phases more than 4 times a year.......FOUR TIMES A YEAR! And I do that every day. I am at the end of my rope with it. Yet I still keep pushing on because I feel obligated to. I feel like I never do ENOUGH, somehow. And the absolute WORST part of it is the lack of TRUE understanding. The closest understanding someone who doesn't suffer from this is going to attain is by reading some books on it. What's ridiculous is that the normal way a person would comfort and support another being in a time of pain is actually the WRONG way to comfort someone with Bipolar. Trying to get us to see that bright side of things is not helping as much as it's hurting. We can't see it. We won't see it. And that makes us feel worse. Salt in an open wound. Telling us it's our CHOICE to be unhappy...wrong. Telling us to "just" stop dwelling on the bad....wrong. How about this? How about you read up on this disease, first? I promise, it will make our interactions that much more productive. We ARE treatable. We just need a REALLY good support structure.....That's what the books tell me. I don't know. I am falling further into it ever day. I hurt all over. I'm tired. My friend unwittingly hurt my feelings by telling me that I am just experiencing life and that everyone has different ways of dealing with it.....That hurt. If I'm "JUST" experiencing LIFE? I DON'T want it! It HURTS way too damn much to deal with anymore. As for my "way of dealing with it".....Wanting to kill one's self in order to stop hurting is NOT a normal way to deal with life...

     I feel like I'm not making sense. I am SO alone since I lost my best friend. I miss her. Sometimes I get those REALLY dark, dark feelings, though...Those crazy ones where you want to prove to them what they mean to you, so you think some INSANE gesture will prove it to them and make them "see". Then I start to hate her for abandoning me. For rejecting me. Then I hate myself even more. And more. And more. But guess what? I'm STILL going to wake up in the morning. There's nothing I can do about it. How can you be too unmotivated and depressed to commit suicide? That's pathetic.

     I wish I could express my feelings with words, but there just aren't any. It's like that way you feel about someone when you love them SO, SO much, but there JUST AREN'T words for it! Only this is exactly the opposite. And it's about me. That's the only way I can express it.

JanusOperative JanusOperative
26-30, M
3 Responses Jun 24, 2007

Hey, I have type two also and I was wondering if you would like to talk. All I find is people with type one and they don't understand much. Let me know.<br />
<br />
Brujis

I myself deal with people pretty much on a daily basis who are to close minded to comtemplate how debilating mental illness is and can be ... I am touched by your story and can highly relate to your feelings .. i have somewhat psychotic feelings in my head that turn on ... I think about killing myself alot too .. but i also am Paranoid that im going to do it by accident .. <br />
I know people who claim to think " everyone has a touch of bipolar d/o ... not true they may have changing emotions .. but they dont have any other symptoms .. I cycle alot too which makes life really difficult .. I was diagnosed the first time with bipolar when i was 22 then again when i was 25 ... I like to tell people who press Judgement on me to live a day in my mind .. and see the things i see everyday ... then they can feel what i go through everyday ... I hope we can become support networks for each other

As I cry reading your hurt. I feel you. I was thinking of jumping out of my 3rd story window today. The person that I spoke to about it sounded like he wanted me to maybe even urgeing me to. He cant understand what it like to be me. Im exhausted living with my pain of life.