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Sometimes ....

 i  cant stand being me ... I cant stand the paranoia which is one of my residual symptoms ...
I normally feel like everyone is against me ... I dont hear voices very often ... I have to be under extreme emotional distress. I have alot of Delusions about myself .. and  now looking back on my childhood i always have ... I remember being like six yrs old and my mom would lay me down with her .,.. and in my head i thought if i go this song stuck in my head ...  i would get in trouble ...  I'm really afraid to use knives .. because i used to cut and im afraid ill do it on accident .. and ill either screw up and kill myself or Cut myself and like it .. and restart the cycle .  I use safety scissors and dont even own a real pair of scissors ...  I have to have my meds dispensed in these packages called docu doses because i wont remember if ive taken my meds ... so then i wont take them ...  the other night i swore i took my meds twice .. although i had no proof that i did i could only find the one docu dose ... but i wouldnt go to sleep because i was afraid i would die in my sleep .. when i was with my husband every night i thought i would die in my sleep if i didnt pray .
My thoughts Race and i get to where i cant keep  up with them when im talking and lose my train of thought in the middle of a sentence .I tell my mom sometimes Why cant i be normal ... and she tells me im normal for me . So that is what i hold on to ...  in a way im glad i have bipolar d/o  because its a part of me and w/o it ... I wouldnt have been able to overcome the things ive went through which has made up who i am today ...
starstruck2xtrme starstruck2xtrme 26-30, F 3 Responses Jun 26, 2007

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I hope as time has went by you are feeling much better.

This communication between all of us is really helping me, so I sure hope it's somewhat beneficial to you all. It's strange to see one's own pain so exactly portrayed by someone ELSE'S writing. I hate echoing others, but, as I'm sure you know, you are not alone. It seems like we are all here for each other. I hope I'm reading that right. We are all going through such similar troubles. Reading what you've written helps me convince myself that I'm not crazy, there are others like me, I'M not alone. Thank you for that.

Your not alone.I feel your hurt. I sometimes doubt that my children love me. I feel like I dont even know them.When I was a kid I thought that there was someone looking through my window 24 hrs a day the hardest part was taking a bath. I got use to it then I just started acting like I was on T.V. Which turned out to be bad then I had 2 faces and I acted around everyone I never was myself and I lied to everyone all the time. That stopped about 7th grade and then I started just beating people up for no reason just cause they said hi to me in the wrong tone.As for cutting WOW Im so glad you could stop I have been cutting since I was 12 the last time I cut was a few months ago. I try not to always say Im gonna quit but Its so hard I love that release. I also feel like Im gonna make a mistake one day and die as a result of my cut. As I get older I know where to cut but my rage is so out of control that I cut way to deep and Im positive I should have needed stiches for a few of them because they were 2 1/2 inches split wide open. I found that liquid bandages work well they burn like hell tho. I have a problem taking my meds the sideaffects suck and I never remember if I took them. Iam going back to the Dr's I worked up the nerve and I called. So I hope to soon start being normal again. With all these people in my head I get so tired I want everyone out and just let me in.take care and take it one day at a time thats all we can do.