Swings

I had an epiphany last week, I worked out how to beat the depressive part of my cycle. What I can’t control is the bad judgement that comes with euphoria and the nasty side effects of the anti-mania medication. I can never describe to someone just how great it feels to experience a manic episode. The buzz, the energy, the feeling of endless possibilities!

I actually mourned the mania for a while, after being diagnosed and drugged. However, I am resigned to feeling grey all the time. What I can't get used to is that the Risperodone makes me an eunuch. I stopped taking it, not consciously at first, for a month or so, to just feel like man again. I lost control and blew my "financial rehab" plan to smithereens. Now I can't even afford to go out!

At least those blinding headaches are gone now that I am on medication. A medical student explained the mechanics to me, quite fascinating.
I hate this condition! When I'm in a depressive cycle, I see no hope. When I feel there is hope, everybody else tells me that I am crazy and manic. So, when I am unhappy, everybody tells I am being silly and to snap out of it. When I am HAPPY, everybody tells me I am being crazy and that something is horribly wrong! To wit, I am always being told I am dysfunctional! I stopped therapy because it was embarrassing to have to go the therapist every two weeks. I stuck with the psychiatrist for a little while longer. This was because I didn't have to see him as often and I needed the happy pills. I have given him the heave-ho as well. This wasn't working!

We have tried a few combinations of drugs, but I still get side effects. I went for a 2nd opinion from another shrink. She had this expensive set of consulting rooms done up in antiques and Persian carpets. Guess whose medical insurance paid for all that? Of course she wore the Approved New Age Outfit to show how unmaterialistic she was.

She agreed with the diagnosis and said that there weren't many alternative drugs available. We had tried all of them before, so I left with nothing much except a admonition not to stop the pills. Fat lot of help that was!  
w0lf w0lf
46-50, M
3 Responses Aug 10, 2007

I hope as the years have went by , you have found balance to your life and a way to deal with your mental illness, some need the drugs and some can find a way to live without them I have tried both and found after nearly dying I need my drugs to live that so call balanced life. I still struggle with paranoia, and very low sel esteem, these things are on going for me, I feel it is just part of my mental illness that takes more work on my side to conquer. I wish you well

I'm bipolar and not on meds right now...I'm getting pretty damn depressed, no manic episode in sight LOL...but I quit drinking so I'm hoping I can handle this without medication....I'm a musician and I really don't feel like I can afford to be uncreative at this point in my career. Best of luck to you, it's a constant struggle and I totally know what you mean that you can't win with your friends and family whether you're depressed or manic. Nobody understands except for those who have to deal with this BS. Anyway, keep your head up and good luck to you.

Ive been on a whole sloo of drugs the ones Im on now Im happy to say are working. Im bi-polar. I take 60mg of cymbalta for the blues,120mg of geodon for my anti-psyhco(i cant spell lol)xanex when ever I feel over whelmed kepra another one to help the anti-psyhco but at first they made me sleepy then i got used to them. but I have been one the resperdone one right before I tried these and it sucked lithium lamictal and a few others i cant think of right now but I tried a few. The ones I take now are older drugs and they seem to be working fine for me. I DO MISS MY MANIC EPISODES I was on top of the world lost75lbs in 3 months on one manic episode. I think im pretty much evened out now but still wish some mania would shine through