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Bi Polar - An Ongoing Battle

I'm so entirely sick of being Bipolar. It's hurting me so very much. I miss being on the meds that work but they are not affordable without medicaid. Over $700 a month!! I went a year + without medications. I started on Lithium a couple weeks ago. I hate it. I feel like when I take it that I get angry and short tempered.

Anyway... The Past.

I started to become extremely depressed in Middle School. My seventh grade year I told a friend I felt like committing suicide. He then told his parents who had me talk to mine. I started going to a counselor. The counselor decided that I cried and said those things to manipulate the situation. In eighth grade I became extremely depressed and this time I attempted Suicide. I went into the psychiatric hospital for five days. While in there, my grandmother told me I was wasting my parents money. After she told me this I acted like I was fine while in there so I could get out. I was diagnosed with depression and they believed I may be re-diagnosed later in life with Bi Polar. I was on different medications throughout high school. I was eventually steady on Lexapro. This medication did pretty well for a while and then just stopped working. In my Junior year I was switched to Prozac. It was fine for a while and then began to cause anger issues. I was short tempered and my set off were extremely intense. I was not steady at all. I got off the medication while I was pregnant and fought the depression by myself and my hormones. I went back on them when I had my son. Again, I had the same issues. My doctor then decided to prescribe Wellbutrin with the Prozac (this was the combination that my mother was on and it was working for her.) Two days later (and after a large number of bad events) I crashed and once again tried to commit suicide. I was put into the new Psychiatric hospital. In the hospital they diagnosed with Bi Polar (type two I think). I was in the hospital for one month. We tried different medications and I had some pretty bad side effects from some. We then settled on Abilify and Lamictal. I was released with these and was seeing a counselor once a week and a nurse practitioner once a month or more. I eventually was on 15mg of Abilify and 150mg of Lamictal. This seemed to be the perfect combination. Unfortunately I lost my medicaid and could no longer afford them. I was fighting the depression by myself for about a year before I just recently got health insurance (this January). I have now been prescribed Lithium. I really wish I were on the Abilify and the Lamictal. I struggle everyday and wish that I weren't bipolar. Will that feeling ever go away?
Maddz311 Maddz311 18-21 5 Responses Mar 12, 2011

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The feeling of struggling and wishing you werent bipolar will likely never go away. Its been many years for me and I still feel as if Im in the midst of an unwinnable war.

No one can tell you which medication to take If one doesnt work try another and another and another Jepordizing your mind for a few dollars is totally outrageous There are organizations that help pay for medications if you can not afford them You can buy into medicaid and get help that way You can ask you priest if they have any outreach programs Taking a medication that doesnt completely work just because it is cheap is not the way to go I have been there paying 100's or dollars on medication when I was able to work just so I could continue to work It is in my blood to work I was born to work I am a workaholic BUT When it came to my mind and my disorder was outgrowing the medications and Lithium is a sugar pill for me I went off paid a lot of money for meds but I continued to work Unfortunately the disorder got the better of me and I had to go on disability I really lost my mind then but now I accept it for a while every manic episode ended up with me going on job interviews to work every 2 weeks But after many years I gave up the goal just not for me no cure no remission I am bipolar for life with the moodswings coming more and more rapidly and I qaccept that I study languages write blogs do anything I can to keep my mind active I may one day find a cure we tried a new meds complete reverse reactions manic went through all of my savings and now I have to start over from scratch but I am doing it and I am proud of it I may be crazy if you want to call me that but I am a survivor and a bipolar survivor it will never kill me

I'm sorry. All I can do is say that I'm sorry you have these kinds of problems. I'm sorry that all I can do is say sorry. I hope it helps. I am more of a personality switch person then a emotion switch person, but I'm lucky that my personality is normally quite peaceful. No one has ever thought I need help, but I'm okay just by trying to help others with their problems. I try to keep my peers from stressing to much. I'm sorry.

you shouldn't be asking for such sympathy. Use your coping skills and get over it! I don't think you are bi-polar at all! I think you are borderline!

First let me say, congrats on hanging in there and finding the right combo of meds. I also take Lamictal and effexor. I tried abilify but notice no change. Unfortunately living with this disease is going to be a life long struggle for you. Not being able to afford your meds makes it ten times more difficult. As far as the feeling of hating having bipolar....it has not gone away for me. I often feel like "why did this happen to me? I didn't ask for this". But my faith is what carries me through those moments.