Journal Entry From Nov.6, 2008 That I Read A Few Days Ago And Unfortunately Still Relate To Today:

I have to turn the TV up and close the door to silence the pain, it emanates from me, it's gut-wrenching. It hurts plain and simple. It hurts greater than the physical, more than the piercings, tattoos and cutting. Yet, I want to silence it, once and for all. I am so sick of it. So sick of ME. of being me. of this life. I know that I should count my blessings and I do when I am of sound mind, I do. But this is way different. One of those unbearable moments... and I've been here before, hundreds of times since I was a kid. It just keeps getting worse, harder each and every time crazier. I just don't want to be here anymore. No more. What do all the hopeful days mean when the sad ones outnumber it? Everyday I gotta fake it, I gotta pretend a lil' more. Try a lil' harder. But I'm not so good at it. I know they can see the hollow in my heart, the emptiness of my eyes.I know they can. I can't bear it anymore. The ******* medication, it's like a ******* band-aid. I am struggling to stay alive and I know all the reasons of why I should. But I really don't care anymore and NOBODY ******* GETS IT. NOBODY KNOWS. EVERYBODY SAYS: "IT'S GONNA BE OKAY. You gotta move on, you gotta leave the past behind. Nothing is that bad."

But I want somebody to tell me that they know what it is inside of me, that internal pain, deeper than a well. A well of intense sadness, it overshadows the intense anger. Can anyone tell me that they understand the agonizing desire to hurt yourself, to want to cut yourself? The want and need is UNBEARABLE. All to feel, to feel that blade, to cut, to feel, for a moment-just a moment, a breath of fresh air-oxygen. WHY THE **** DOES THAT FEEL SO GOOD? IT'S BEEN LIKE 6 MONTHS SINCE THE LAST TIME... and it's getting harder and harder to withhold myself. SO MANY LOGICAL REASONS. BUT I DON'T CARE ABOUT LOGIC OR ABOUT WHAT "THEY" MAY THINK OR ******* SAVING THE EMBARRASSMENT. I JUST WANT TO CUT SO BAD, TO FEEL TEMPORARILY BETTER. ANOTHER BAND-AID.

My head feels like it's going to explode! RACING THOUGHTS. But mostly, I just feel so empty. Some say I need Jesus (Mama) Some say I need the lithium, the meds. What I need is to fall asleep, to dream of my own utopia and to never wake up. I'm tired of it. All of it. As a whole. <3

(This is an example of what it feels like for me to have an episode. It's been a lil' while since the last one. But when it happens... I can't handle it. I wonder if anyone can relate to that. ^^^ I am not a danger to myself or others, I'm just sharing. It's been 4 years since I wrote that and things have changed a lil' bit. My cocktail includes Lithium, Buspar, Lamictal and Seroquel and for the last year it's had me stabilized-somewhat. Enough to help me finish my Community Interpretation and Translation Program at my local community college. Without the meds-it would've been impossible. I excel at self-sabotage. Thank-you Chronic Bipolar 1 mixed with Borderline Personality Disorder.)

deb4peace deb4peace
31-35, F
Sep 10, 2012