I Feel Silly Writing This, And I May Be Wrong In Writing It....I've known I'm codependent for years now. . . The very last therapist I had, introduced codependency to me, I'd never heard the term before her.
I thought I'd rid myself of the codependency after I put my foot down with my alcoholic mother. She went into rehab, a month later, she was drinking heavily again. I called and told her voicemail (seeing as though she was probably passed out) that I didn't want anything to do with her until she was sober, and not this one week, one month fake bullshit sobriety. We didn't speak for two months, and then I get an email from a cousin telling me how my mother was in the hospital, drank herself into full blown cirrhosis, she was pre cirrhosis before rehab. So in two months time she nearly killed herself. Had she not had a moment of clarity laying in the floor, she couldn't walk, nothing, was bleeding. . . she would have died and honestly... I would have been the one to find her. Family would have said to me they hadn't heard from her and I would have went to check and found her, none of my family care enough to of made it otherwise... But my mom realized she'd die in that floor and called 911, so instead I went to see her in the hospital, laying there, all swelled up like she was having seven babies. . . It's annoying, even though she slowly died those 11 months after getting the cirrhosis, I can still play fake scenarios in my head of finding her dead, guess it's easy to picture it when I always feared it growing up.
But the cycle with my mom, I still kept my foot down the first six months she had the cirrhosis, I'd call some... but that was it, because honestly, I wouldn't have put it past her to have drank within those months, she went downhill so fast, that I'm almost certain she was still consuming alcohol. But once January had came, and I saw that she couldn't walk, and that my family had been lying to me about seeing her and taking care of her and such. I went in to see her, I didn't move back in with her, but I did do some things to take care of her. In a way in the beginning I thought I'd fallen back into my "caregiver", "Codependent" role. But I realized, that it wasn't the case for once. I was doing some things for her, because despite all my anger towards her, I still in fact loved my mother, she wasn't all bad either, she was a good person sober, she had her issues like anyone else, but she could be a fun, great mom. Which... hurts to think about, I never fully got that from her, and I know to some degree there is a hurt child deep down in me. I needed my mom and she was to caught up in her own world and with the whiskey to pay attention to the child she had. She wasn't whole herself, I know nothing about my grandparents because they passed before I was two years old (both sides), but seeing some of her past, and some of the future men she had in her life and the way she treated herself. . . She had so many issues, she was hurting so bad. She miscarried before I was born, and I think once she had me and carried me to full term, she thought I'd be her "fix" the thing that would make all her problems go away, and she realized that wasn't the case. I tried getting her to go to therapy, but she never would go. In some ways I took on the parent role, wanting my child to get help....but at the same time I was a kid, I was screaming for her love and attention, I wanted my sober mom, not the drunk I always had. . . Instead of finding drunks to date, I became the drunk at 11, sort of. When I was 18 I chose to stop drinking, I was turning into her. Even though I was not a full blown alcoholic, when I drank, I did so like my mother. One beer, one mixed drink, was never enough. I drank until I was puking, or blacking out, usually both. I drank away all my emotions, became so detached, I didn't really realize it til now and i'm 22 years old. So many emotions are now coming to the surface, partially because I stopped drinking, stopped smoking pot, stopped snorting pills here and there, stopped smoking cigarettes.... and I'm stuck dealing with all these ****** up emotions and all this anger, that I've never dealt with. I talk about my issues constantly on here and through messages to others, but I've never dealt with them. Really acknowledged them for what they are. . . and to be honest I think in some ****** up way, my food is now my "addiction" i was dieting, and doing well, but lately... I've been eating my emotions away. I haven't always been hungry, but I eat regardless, I get that temporary high, I feel good until I look at my body and I'm pulling at my arms and legs and neck and I am disgusted with myself. Hell I've considered puking after I eat, but it's not me, I have control issues, but I just know I will never have an eating disorder. . I've seen what it can do to a person and most of me. . wants to change things for my health. and I don't want to hurt myself or others through an eating disorder. . Seeing someone doing that to themselves... breaks my heart. . .
Although I need to be careful with my dieting. . . Once I get back on track with it. My mom was horrible about it. Every few months there would be some new diet. she'd barely eat, and the stuff she did wasn't always unhealthy, it was probably good for her high blood pressure if I'm being honest. Because she wouldn't eat all that healthy otherwise, we could have afforded to eat healthy but she refused to believe it. But she drank Whiskey in the beginning, and it slowly would be one pint for the weekend and then I'd be seeing a half gallon of Makers Mark in the freezer eventually or Jim Beam, I guess Jim Beam is cheaper than Makers Mark because in time it was only Jim Beam. At one point, I seen four half gallons in our tall freezer, and two in the square one sitting on the floor, guess she thought I wouldn't notice all the booze. But that... that amount of alcohol she'd have... that's what kept her big ole belly on her and I'd tell her time and time again, stop drinking and she'd refuse to acknowledge the drinking was her problem. . . She'd hate herself, I'd see and hear her talking about the hatred she had for herself. and eventually she took it out on me. . . I done a lot of stupid **** as a child and as I got older, but I blame my issues with food on my mother. I just do. She made me shut myself down when I'd be upset, she'd yell at me when I wouldn't eat all these foods she'd cook in major EXCESS!!!! My mom was in complete denial, honestly.... it amazes me that when I got older she didn't get me to do diet pills or some stupid crazy diet, seeing as though I seen her do those up until I was a teenager. I loved my mom, but she didn't love herself. She never taught me to love myself, she just taught me that almost any and all things I did... I should be ashamed. I should hate myself unless i"m toothpick thin. Hate myself unless I'm shoving all my emotions in the back and acting like a hardass when in reality I'm falling apart. I shouldn't want more out of my life either, because if I try to go to college instead of working a factory job like her, I'm a failure and all this other ****.
Now I could be wrong, but I still think my mom in some ways.....hated me, was jealous because I wanted to fix myself, I want to be healthy, I want a life and a great career. I want to do things that make me happy. I want to just be stable mentally and financially. I want to be myself, I want to find myself, and she refused to ever do any of those except be financially stable. . . Probably because, her parents. . treated her the way she treated me. But she had her father in the mix too, so I'm sure that has something to do with her warped view of men. And trust me. . I have my own warped view of men. But that has to do with my father, very little to do with my mother. Though, growing up, I always felt silly. . . One day I wanted to be on my own, alone and tough and kicking *** without a man. Then the next, I wanted to have that fairytale ending, I didn't want to end up alone and miserable.... because if I was alone for most or all of my life, that would mean that I'm my mother. . . I loved her, but I want to be nothing like her. I want to have some of her traits, but I don't want to hate myself in the way she did, I want to expect things from myself, not giving up, and sure as **** not fixing my problems by sleeping with man after man (she never had a stable relationship in her life, the one relationship I thought I'd have a "daddy" out of. . the guy turned out to be married) and sure as hell not fixing them with alcohol.
My mom was so strong, but so weak at the same time and it breaks my heart to know she died as unhappy as she was. She wanted to die, but it's because of all the unresolved issues she refused to see, she refused to break the cycle and die in the same abusive cycle that most of my family have been in, will be in, and some I'm sure... will be the same as my mother, I refuse, and I have my moments day to day, where I know i'm not breaking the cycle, but i want to fight. I don't want to end up like my family, like my mother, like my father. I want to be whole. . not because someone gives me that temporary fulfillment aka an abusive, codependent relationship. . I want to feel whole because I got myself to that point, not because I clung to any and every person who walks and have walked into my life. I want the good ones to have a healthy me, the ones that have been around for years, to see me happy and crazy (in a good way lol) all the time and most of all. . . I want this for myself. Being miserable all the time, it sucks, plain and simple, it does nothing for me but bring me down. I want to bring myself up. .
Now to the another reason I am writing this. . . My father.
I've been doing some reading, haven't finished it yet, but reading about how all codependents try to recreate their pasts. . . Like a woman marries an alcoholic, trying to "fix" him because in her mind whether she's aware or not she is trying to fix her past, thinking that if she does this with him, she can fix it all, feel whole, or whatever. Putting herself in this ****** up horrible, painful situation, because as painful as it may be, it's also very familiar.
I've come to a slight realization, or at least I'm pretty sure I have, I know the root of my problems goes back to my father, or the lack thereof him. He would randomly decide when to come around, he would just..... abandon me over and over again, or at least that's what it felt like. Especially as I grew older. I needed my dad, I needed that male father figure, but no, I had one guy who was married and he disappeared when I was 10, then when I was 11, almost 12, the drunk Bob came into my mothers life and there began all my drinking and more issues with men. My dad knew my mom was an abusive drunk, but he never tried to get me away from the situation, why? Because he didn't care. Hell when my mom was dying, he and my stepmother came to the place where my mom was in Hospice, and he was completely distant, he just . . . didn't comfort me, my stepmother did for a moment. But I knew things were awkward for her, so to some degree, I'm not mad at her. But my father, he can go **** himself. He went, to "pray" for my mother, as he laid his head on her hand and the man was crying. I felt bad for him, but he hugged me when he left and never tried to be like are you okay, call me if you need me. Though he did tell me to call him to let him know what happened. . . He was comforting at the viewing, the stupid **** actually asked if my moms stepdaughter well not really then, because her father and my mother had been divorced since before I was born, but he ******* asked if she was my sister, it's like you dumb **** are you ******* for real???? You know so little about me, that you don't know I'm an only child!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean yeah I have half brothers and a half sister that are his kids, but they dont' feel like family. . .
I could punch his stupid *** in the face, but that's not my worse part, my mother past away May 2,2011. . . my 21st birthday is May 21, 2011, so yeah.... he took me out, never asked if I was okay, never asked anything. Just kept pushing me to drink, yet this man knew my mom died because of her alcoholism. . then he asked if I'd watch my nieces that following Sept. because he had to go to my stepsisters wedding. . I was so happy to get out, and i was thinking, maybe I'll have my dad now. . and he ruined that dinner, he had no thought or anything to how I was feeling, he was being selfish as always. I haven't heard from him since that night and i tried to reach out to him on fathers day about a month after all that. But he never responded, and it's going on two years this coming May 21st since we've spoken. . I could be dead and he wouldn't know. The way he acted. . . I'm not sure he'd care.
But my whole point, is that, I see my cycle with men to a good degree with men.
I chose a lot of ****** people. Not all of them, but I have chosen plenty. Ones that will hurt me and abandon me all on their own. Or the rare few that i can't let the relationship grow, I can't let myself enjoy it. Happiness, isn't familiar, misery and abandonment is what I'm used to. So I push and push and find any and all things to use against, men and women, til I push them away and they abandon me. It hurts like hell, but it's familiar pain, I end up the same way as always, alone. . . I have this unrealistic and almost abusive on my part. . expectation, that a man will one day stick around til I have a "breakthrough" and then all the pain and fighting will be worth it, and they will have a happy me, but that day never happens, because I never have that breakthrough, because I'm constantly repeating my past. . . Recreating it and not letting myself fall into the unknown and take chances. I stick to the same negative **** and the same negative thoughts, actions, and the way this is all going I will end up half like my mother and half way like my father, but I'd be worse than both of them. . The little girl I watch, I'm working on less strictness with her. Where I never had discipline as a child I've went overboard with what she gets in trouble for. But I don't always follow through with the punishment like my mother always did to me. . . She'd ground me then I'd manipulate her into letting me out of it, sometimes. . . I think I scared her and sometimes she just didn't care, or I'd threaten to not take her to the liquor store. I was her enabler, and she was mine. She was never a role model for me, she let me slack off and turn into a **** up for the longest time. Yes I made the choices, but she also never was the stern hand I needed, she never pushed me to my full potential, she didn't like my full potential, she wouldn't have had the weak enabler that I was had she let me be the person I can be, the strong person. . .
Also in way, I think I recreate my mom too. The irritability, the lack of self confidence, issues with food just in the opposite way, I overeat and she barely ate and went on crash diets. . . I hate myself in ways like she did, she punished herself for her weight, and I do that as well, but I eat and eat and then hate myself more once the food is gone and the guilt is there.
So many things I want to write, but you can get the point, I feel like so many things just scream CODEPENDENCY in my life. I want that to change, just scared. Changing that means dealing with the issues I've hidden, the anger and the unknown. . . But it needs to happen, I start therapy Monday, so maybe that will be my start.