My Depersonalization Story

It all started in December, around Christmas time. I was feeling perfectly fine and I was super happy. I have a girlfriend who I have been dating for 4 years, Christmas was here, and everything is going great. Then, my brother's fiancee dies. I do not outwardly express any physical trauma or anything, and I don't feel too sad or anything. On Christmas day, I had some bad chest pain and I felt like I couldn't breathe. This is where it all started to turn weird. I started to feel like "I didn't exist". Like I could interact with the world, but I didn't really feel like I was interacting with it all the way. I began to feel scared, and ever since then, I have felt like this. I worried over every day headaches to the point that I had to get a CT scan to check for something wrong. All bloodtests, urine tests, xrays, and CT scan came back completely normal. I still struggle with this feeling of slight dizziness, almost dreaminess, and I don't feel connected with my body. Is this going to get worse? Will I lose my mind? These are a couple of the questions I ask myself. I am seeing a psychologist, and we're working on finding the best way for me to improve, but it's so hard. I do not want to lose my mind, I want to be able to feel again, I am not into things that I used to be into, not made happy by the same things anymore, in fact, I find it hard to feel happy anymore. Is this like anything anyone has experienced before? I need that comfort that I am not alone in this. I am a 21 year old man. I want to be the happy, joyful person I used to be. This is eating me alive. Thank you for your time in reading this. 

dukexcobbler dukexcobbler
22-25, M
2 Responses Mar 9, 2010

I know exactly how you feel. I'm 15 years old and I've smoked weed a few times before, but the last time I smoked it everything went wrong. I felt like I was literally dying and then I started turning into rubber --- I was hallucinating, I think? The really bad stuff happened for about a week. The feeling like I was dying and or like I was already dead. The doctors said I would've had this later on in life anyways, but the "weed" just happened to trigger it & bring it on sooner than it had to. It's been three months now, and I'm still "depersonalized" from the world. It feels like I'm not here, but then again I know I am. You know what I mean? It feels like I'm dreaming 24/7. Sort of like a nightmare I can never wake up from. Then on top of that I have panic attacks because the DP leads to that. Don't worry, you're not alone & it's nice to know that I'm not alone. I just wish there was some magic pill that could take it away, but so far I haven't had any luck. Good luck with everything (: best wishes. You'll be okay, just give it some time & hang in there. That's what I'm trying to do. P.S. You're not alone, I feel the exact same way. I'm constantly worried I'm going to lose my mind and forget everything. I always worry things are going to get worse, or never get better. I just want to live a normal life again --- be normal. Be able to be, happyyy. I just want to be "me" again.

I know how you feel, i dont know if it helps but i find its nice to know that im not alone.