My Anxiety (tiny Bit Of A Rant...)

It's sort of like being half way to hell. Like being on a stage in front of millions of people 24/7. I find it difficult to go out in public, because I always feel people staring at me. Weather it's the guys staring at me, or the girls scowling at me. It's like I'm performing ALL the time. I sweat, and most often if it's a really tightly wound day, I'm awkward. I can't get school work done, because I have quirks, and people notice and point them out. I whistle a long, loud continuous note without noticing, or I'll talk to myself. I act out little fun dramatic situations, but most of the time, it's like I have to monitor myself ALL the time. and when I let loose for a moment, and I find someone staring at me, It's like I have to double check, re-evaluate. Make sure my hands are where they need to be and that my lips are shut together.

I'm not one to be considerably insecure. In fact I could really care less, and am quite comfortable being myself. It's just that out in the world, I'm worried about looking crazy. I don't REALLY know why.

I'm perfectly fine in a city. Everyone there practically IS crazy, and there's tons of people, so I'm just another face. Small towns scare me.

I always feel off, when I'm out in public, especially in class. I feel like sometimes, I'm not wearing clothes. Yeaaaaah.... I feel like my clothes are way too tight or like there's somthing just about to grab the back of my neck. I hate being touched, when I'm like this. It's like every sense of mine is on steroids and anything will disturb them. 

The sight of florescent lights, gawking eyes and fake smiles, cheap- horribly done makeup.

The scent of people, sweat, chemical cleaners, and sickeningly cheap, repetitive hairsprays, perfumes, colognes, and body sprays.

The taste of dehydration in my sticky mouth, on my teeth and my breath, seeping down the back of my throat, cheap hypocritical refined toxic "snacks".

The sound of shrieking girls, loud obnoxious boys, cringe-worthy pop and rap music, pubescent cracking voices, stern lectures.

and finally the feeling of a cold sweat seeping into you all the time, pins and needles, maybe even blunt screws being hammered into your spine, stomach trying to escape by any means possible, brain melting out of your skull, fingers tapping, skin touching, What the ****.

I'm expected to be happy everyday. To shut off my other emotions. If not, I get overwhelmed with people trying to fix my problem in order to fill some space inside them -some sort of accomplishment or maturity- asking me what's wrong, what they can do to fix it. You can't do anything! for the last ******* time! It's a disorder that runs in my family, It doesnt mean im going to kill myself. It doesnt mean you should worry, and it sure as hell doesn't mean that I want your sorry affection. I'll come out like i always do, and then I'll be HAPPY to smack you upside the head. :D 

Maybe I am crazy, maybe I'm just a bit more solitary than most other people (I still interact with family, hang out with friends, go on dates, and those things don't bother me) Just forced interactions, do.

I will never understand what was running through the person's head -whomever they are- when they invented the public school system.

 

Maybe we should add ADD to the list, too, eh?

 

       

Crazybunnygirl Crazybunnygirl
18-21
Feb 13, 2010