Hello Darkness My Old Friend

all i ever really knew was a dark empty void as a child odd cold vomit feelings would come over me. id be sitting in class or train, doing fun stuff and something would trigger the negative feeling and i'd feel like i was choking, and dying inside.

i was sexually abuse from 5 years of age and i think i was abused even before that - i used to blame my red hair it was ugly- it seemed to make people hate me so easily.  i didn't have to do much wrong, just be a bit slow, or a bit quiet, shy or timid and they'd hate and punish.

depression followed me all my life and ate away at my self worth, confidence, education, career, relationships, and i hate poor interactions with people as a consequence.  there was no-one to help.  the house fire, sexual abuse, my friends suicide and family abuse with alcohol made it worse - i was alone in these "yucky" feelings. whenever in-laws came to visit the depression would set in. and feelings of being less then them, insignificant, and like I was spastic compared to their clever, superior egoistic existance.  I was only a child but they sure knew how to treat me like I was ****- so as I got older I covered it up but was neverous when I had to be near them, now I just avoid them and realise I don't need to mix with them if they are gonna be so abusive. 

couldn't sleep well, spent most of my time afraid and i lived it all in silence. i made my mum take me to a therapist at school after a girl bashed me cuz i was slipping into a fantasy world to escape the abuse issues and it was like i was going mental.  i felt embarrassed and dirty over any of the abuse and bashing stuff, always dirty, and shamed. and no-one really cared anyway. i have always been never good enough and thought it best to avoid most people, i got depressed around friends who would belittle me and treat me like ****, so i stopped mixing with them, even if it ment being alone. 

i took medication for a while, but it didn't help much.  my thought got crazier.  i left school after bashings and we were so poor we couldn't aford anything in the mid 80's no hair cuts, no clothes, not even sanitry napkins so this just added to my depression. i really would have liked boys and men to like me but we couldn't afford pretty things. i wanted to do office courses or dental but we couldn't afford it. the depression got worse...no boyfriends made me feel bad and not affording to go places and have fun with other friends. 

but I don't feel like I need anyone now.  some people are just ment to be alone.  and i am one of them, like I am ment to be a failure-so what since being raped 10 years ago depression has plagued me...it has crippled the bulk of my youth and when I should have been having great times I was all alone depressed- but I hid it well.  all thru my twenties life was hell, I cried myself to sleep for years and couldn't work out why people didn't like me. now I just except but also going to support groups for child sex abuse helps you see that you are the victum and not the criminal. 

czaristacrystals czaristacrystals
36-40, F
Feb 16, 2010