Try To Be So Real, End Up Feeling So Fake

I've got friends that take prescription drugs and get professional help. Me, I self medicate, go on binges, and the only people I'll "talk about it" with are on EP. Staying anonymous is key when you don't trust anybody.

Everyone on here says they're weird, or at least feel weird. I'm one of you too. I can speak 5 languages, my parents raised me well with love and attention, I travel all the time, I know that I'm lucky and that I have everything to be thankful for. Not only that, but I'm a martial arts fighter, I face my challenges head on, I try to stay social... Idk, I don't even feel like finishing this list because I just don't feel right doing it.

Cuz when it comes down to it I'm not sure I have the strength to do everything I say I can. Sometimes at work I have to make a speach or a lecture, but I usually have to chug two 40's or half a bottle of jack to make me feel like it was a success. I stop drinking and doing drugs and smoking cigarettes for months at a time, even a whole year once, just because it stops working... the nights aren't fun anymore and I drastically stop caring about what people say around me.

Since I don't see professionals I don't know what I have, but I'm sure I can make a pretty powerful case. But I can't talk about it with anyone, or let anyone know that something's wrong, or else I'll feel bad about it. I can't tell my parents cuz they have enough on their mind. I can't tell my brother cuz he looks up to me. I can't tell my girlfriend because she loves how easy going I am. And I can't tell my friends cuz I simply don't trust them. So i put on my smile and just go through it all because i don't have a choice. But honestly, it's starting to wear me down. I'm always exhausted, and I would kill to appreciate what I have when I have it for once. That's a poor choice of words, I do appreciate things, but there's a deep sinking feeling in my chest that takes away from the enjoyment.

This is just me venting, not a very good post, lol. It does help, I have many ways of expressing myself I find useful. Part of my sollution to things is keeping entertained and busy. That can be quite hard at times, my interest can dissapear very fast. And when you find something you really like, you're either afraid you're trying to make it too genuine to be true, or you're afraid that it'll run away from you. All things change with time. Life moves on. And I think it's very egostitical to think that everyone on earth was meant to be happy.
WonderlustKing WonderlustKing
22-25, M
8 Responses Jul 12, 2010

Stop abusing yourself with alcohol, cigarettes and drugs. I don't believe in psychology, so I suggest you get spanking therapy to help with your will-power issues.

As a man that is annonamys" here dont care if I spelled that wrong" I'm not a Psychiatrist or a Martial Atrs Master ahve had a little though, But I have been in a Battle that is worse than any Cage fightr could ever Know. its a battle we"re all in However, BECAUSE SATAN HATES US ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and wants us all to self medicate or work yourself to death or maybe in a Cagefighters mind beat the snot out of the othe Person centering all thier anger on each other till 1 falls, All tis to say that its a GOD CENTERED HOLE IN YOUR HEART BUT IF IGNORED TO LONG<AND ONE KEEPS PUSHING GODS PEOPLE HE SENDS TO THEM TRYING TO GET THEM TO TURN TO HIM FINALLY so he can show you He STILL LOVES YOU no matter how far and Long and strong you"ve run from him,,,JUST turn around and you"LL see as it is said HE"LL NEVER LEAVE YOU NOR FOSAKE YOU, BUT YOU DO HAVE TO ACCEPT HIS SON JESUS INTO YOR HEART____otherwise your spitting in his face and believe me ,You don"t want His Spankings They HURT I can ATTEST to that. I'll try to remember all you in My Prayers and one more thing to add before I go Time is getting Short and I can"t emphasize that enough,especially to the strong in BODY and PROUD in accomplisments///Find out from a Gd Preacher what it means to have a Seared Conscience////It then Become very difficult at that point to turn back to the One and only True GOD and at a certain time very near as many Who Believe a point soon aproaches where somes constant rejection of him is Sealed!!! and you DON"T want that!!!

it's scary how much i relate to what you say. if i knew the answer, i wouldn't be feeling so affected by reading what you wrote lol. but i do know that the best thing is to keep busy that you're rarely ever alone with your thoughts. i've found that being alone with my thoughts is the worst. It's better to have tons of things to do and to get home at night completely exhausted. Less time to think that way. Plus you spend your days feeling productive =]

I like that, it's def something deeper than a day to day problem... when you say it's my soul's problem it makes me think like it's my fate or destiny that's not in sync. What would you do to listen to your soul and find out what's wrong?

When you get depressed, that's your soul's way of telling you that something's wrong. You can medicate it, ignore it, take drugs to dull it, you can even try to f--- it away - but it'll stay with you until you fix the 'something wrong' that it was telling you about.

Lol. Me too =) But I don't have a prescription, so no more than any other substance... I'm a big marijuana and ecstacy subscriber, tho. U can call me a big fan, lol.

it's true, but i have a real problem with opening up to just about anybody. i can't help but want to lie to them. but thank you anyway for the comment.

If venting on here helps imagine if you do what your friends are doing and seek professional help. I know, easier said then done, I have yet to do that, lol.