I Wake To Face Another Day

The alarm buzzed again this morning. I hit snooze again. Another day to face. I really can't be bothered. The thought of getting through another morning, another afternoon, another evening, ANOTHER NIGHT.
Why do I put myself through it? JUST think if I take all my tablets at once, would it be enough to end this feeling? OR what if I got a hose from car exhust to window, would that be easier? Perhaps a walk in front of a train, at least it would be quicker? Maybe a rope around the neck would be for the best? Possibly a knife run up the vein in my forearm to see the crimson flow out? Messy but at least I've had plenty of practise, it only means pressing a bit harder.
They say its the cowards way out. I don't agree, it takes a lot of courage. I'm not afraid of dying. It's getting it wrong that worries me. I know people would say it's a selfish act. Maybe it is, I'll just add selfish to my long list of failings. What do they know anyway? This feeling that drains me so empty, no energy, no ambition, no emotion, no hope.
My only dreams are nightmares and flashbacks. The fear, complete dread. Waking sweating, yet cold. Yes another contridiction in my life.
I wouldn't consider myself an unintelligent person. Yet I do think myself as stupid. Stupid because the constant stream of thoughts that drown my mind dragging me down, as sure as thick chains around my body would in a lake.
I lay, head thick from last nights medication and alcohol. The buzzer sounds again. Time to face the world. Slowley I move my heavy aching limbs to a sitting position....
martinspinney martinspinney
41-45, M
2 Responses Jul 13, 2010

Thanks its reassuring to know things can improve I just take it day by day or some days hour by hour.

Everything you said sounds exactly like something I would have written 5 years ago. I'm still depressed but not nearly as much and I rarely contimplate suicide these days. Doesn't mean I don't remember those feelings like they were yesterday. I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Message me if you want to talk.