What Does It Mean, I Battle Depression?

I just posted a quick story on the "I refuse to be in the 'I battle depression' group". It was honestly for sh*ts and giggles, but then I decided that I was in an expressive mood, and I've had a lot building up on me. I've already written a story for this group, but I guess I just wanted to clerify somethings, mostly to myself.

I personally think I am depressed or have anxiety... or maybe even bp, but I don't even know. lol. Not gonna lie or make things up, not gonna say I was diagnosed, or any of it. Have I seen a professional about it? Yeah, a couple of them, but that didn't work out too well. I'll tell you how I feel about it... not happy. So what does it mean for me when I say "I Battle Depression"? It means that I know I'm a very lucky guy, that I've got a great family and my whole life ahead of me, but I've been living without any appreciation for any of it on a day to day basis. Not on purpose... trust me, I give my thanks to everyone. I'm very respectful, and I walk around town with a big *** smile. I'm not even one of those depressive kinds that stays inside all day and doesn't make friends. I have tons of friends. But I'm actually the fake kind, I think that's worse. I can make friends with anybody, but the likelihood of that friendship being meaningful to me at all is very slim. I think that's terrible. I want it to mean something. I don't meet people just so that I can snub them or forget about them. I want our lives to mean something! I'm searching for purpose. But it escapes me a lot. I do have some good friends, and even a girlfriend. But I'm at the point now where I'm wondering how much of what we are is real, and how much of it have I made up? I often consider the consequences of actions, not just mine but of a lot of things, and that really gets me down. It's hard to know what the value is in starting something when the outcome looks like sh*t ahead of time.

However, in the interest of having a life I've decided to move on for several reasons... I have a family to support, my parents can't keep supporting me and my brother at the rate we're going. And I love my brother more than anything else. I can't get across to them, to any of them, but I won't abandon them or let them lose everything they've got. I had dreams and aspirations, but i'm kind of caught in society's nets, and there are certain expectations of me... and I've had to make plenty of sacrafices to make others happy before myself. That sounds like complaints, I'm sure, but they're not, because the alternative is much much worse. I love my family, and so I'll make sure to stay strong for them. But in order to do that, I have to make sure people don't know how I feel. The fact is I don't like doing what I do on a day to day, and I sure as hell don't feel like putting a smile on my face doing it either. But I've gotten very good at it. People really believe I'm happy, and that way no one is alarmed or worried, things run smoothly, and I can accelerate my plans and hopefully get this all over with faster. The funny thing is that I feel like an honest soul. I wouldn't harm a fly, and I believe in good morals. So as much as it hurts me to be lying to everyone, I believe that if I were to start being honest that my world would fall apart. I'd lose my gf for lack of confidence, my brother wouldn't look up to me, my parents would lose all their hair just imagining how much greater their troubles got, my entire family would look down at me for being a burden, or not just a burden but for being the black sheep (and that's a BIG a** family)... and THEN I don't know how I'd ever get out of bed. Considering the options, I'd rather fake it till I make it.

So... lets get to the good part. What helps? What helps you guys out there? I've got a bunch of things that help. No cures... just momentary bliss. That's how I look at it now, because there's no such thing as satisfaction. Peace and quiet is a degree of acceptance on a very worn out scale. So, with what I have to work with, what helps?
Literature - first of all there's nothing out there like a good book. A GOOD one will keep you occupied for hours or maybe even days if you're lucky. Although sometimes, these days, even with a good one I have to use them sparringly. Writing is great though... I could keep on writing all day, especially creative writing. Nothing makes me feel more expressive and gets my inner thoughts out in a better way, and the thing is that my thoughts are still masked... Nothing is ever simple =)
Movies - this is a bit harder, a movie does not beat a good book, but when you don't want to use your brain anymore sometimes just stay in bed or on the couch, let your jaw hang, and watch into the "tube" lol
the beach - oh yeah.... now we're talking. I love free diving the most. I can go into another world, it's an alternate universe down there. Nothing between you and it. No gear, no nothing. Pure freedom, and yourself to master in order to survive down there longer. The more in control of yourself you are, the longer you get to stay. And when you're done, just drop onto the hot sand and let the sun wash all over you.
a loved one - being loved is always great, really. It's just, with anxiety or depression, it can also play tricks with your mind. I look too often into things that aren't there, and the worst ever is when they really are there. My family and I are complicated, so I just let it sink in that they love me without getting too close. But an outside love is sometimes even more appreciated because it's so less frequent and so less expected. I guess it gives one hope. But that's a scary prospect when you think about it. I'm a deep romantic, but it takes all of my self control to bear. Woman... are seldom a good idea for depression. Woman have turned me into a borderline sexist... I take it back, I love women... but sometimes you can be real b*tches.
Drugs and alcohol - very efficient, mind you. Chemicals in the brain, high euphoria, usually puts me to bed when I'm all done and I sleep like a baby. It's hard to top that. Draw backs? Money and addiction. Fortunately that works out for me, I don't have enough money to do it constantly, so I never get addicted. I just work a lot, and for a certain amount of time I'll go in binges.... then I'll sober up for months and work like a dog again.

So, what works for you?
WonderlustKing WonderlustKing
22-25, M
5 Responses Jul 23, 2010

Hahaha! Wow, that's a great way of putting it. Loved that imigary.<br />
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But thanks a lot, Gdguy for your comments and compliments. It's very nice of you =) Don't know how good of a writer I am, but one thing I love about EP, that I think a lot of people can relate to, is that when you really have something you wish to express you can really pour yourself out. And that's what I do, I just let go and put myself out there on here, no restraints. It's the only place in the WORLD I can ever be myself.<br />
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My life is full of lies just so that the "real world" can see me through the image i project out there, so they can see what I want them to see. But I def don't have the strength to carry it out forever, and I'm noticing it more and more every day. My brother just came up to visit me, and now my attention has been aimed precisely, and automatially, on being 'happy' with him. Making sure he's doing alright. But as a consequence, I've been letting myself go a lot more with the other family I have around. I have so much dragging me down right now, it's crippling. So I come here, to EP... where I don't have to, and absolutely won't lie about anything just because for once I can be in a world where I don't care. I just release. It feels so good. Can't call it a cure, but EP has already made a huge difference in my life, on a practical level. So thank you to you all! Like Gdguy said, it helps to read these stories that we all share, and find that we have people who we can find things in common with.

Thanks to all with your responses, and I just wanted to say to Wonder----,<br />
first off your quite a writer, better than myslf that is.<br />
Thanks for your Honest as well because wheather U know it or not it does and has helped me hear your Story,<br />
I must admit Your holding up much better than I have and am currently, <br />
Currently I'm giving it to JESUS, its just to heavy for me anymore,as long as I don"t keep picking it up again,<br />
I've been a loner myself and am not much Gd at faking Happiness and have virtually no friends,<br />
But thanks for sharing I admire your strength,<br />
GOD is the only one keeping me together right now because my Situation is Unbearable,But am Keeping my Faith in Him and JESUS or I Know I wouldn"t make it on my Own as I did when I was Younger and strong like an Ox. The strong like an Ox thing however is only sometimes in my Head HeHe! I got to Learn to trust and Have full Faith in Him and Just let go of Pride,Thats just about gone now though,<br />
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I think GODS kinda like a Marine Corps Drill Sargeant in that he"s gonna teach ya one way or the other He loves us all and will do what it takes to bring us to him!!!! Even if it kills you/or come to the end of Yourself,,,

thanks for the comments!<br />
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thereaperfollows, i like seeing the points in common! And I'm happy for you that you found someone so accepting and understanding! I love when you expressed that you didn't have to "fake the happy" and how that was the greatest gift. I find refreshing just to hear. And inspirational! Thanks for sharing!<br />
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Otherwise, faith is the answer for others. I just have a lot of questions in my mind. I can't say I know exactly where to place my faith right now.

If you take the time to find a relationship with God, then you will find that inner peace and serenity you are looking for. Faith, not religion, is what got me out of the hole I had been in all my life. You can find my story under my experiences. email me if you want to know more.

i havent found much that helps. personally sometimes just focusing on my fiance is all i can do to keep myself alive. yes relationships are hard and i will admit that they really suck sometimes. but my fiance and i have gotten down to the bare rout of each other and i know i don't have to pretend with him. he knows i don't have a wide variety of emotions and that content is just about as happy as i can get. i don't ever have to put on a fake smile when im with him. that to me is truly refreshing. to be around someone that you can be so honest as to not "fake the happy" is the best gift he could ever really give me. he also reminds me several times a day that he loves me and only me. so i know i don't have over think things. and when i do find myself with anxiety over my relationship with him i tell him so. we talk about it and that seems to ease things a little bit for me. <br />
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books - i do read a good amount of the time now. it took me years to be able to do it. (i have dyslexia) but now i read any book that keep my interest. the more intense the book the better. <br />
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the beach - i grew up going to the beach. there's nothing like sitting on a big towel or blanket and just listening to the waves crash in. and collecting sea glass is something that brings content to me. if you've never gone looking for sea glass at the beach then you should try it. <br />
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mostly tho... the water in itself is what relaxes me. i have such a difficult time relaxing outside of the water. idk y but there is something about being in the water that relaxes me. i dont even have to be moving.