My Daily Fight With Depression And Anxiety

Wow who could believe that this would ever have happened to me. I used to be so alive and enjoyed life. Even though I wasn't't one to jump in a crowd being the meet and greeter. I still loved life and had so much energy that I only needed a few hours sleep every night. Then one day I had a panic attack driving to work. I felt like I was ready to black out. I had to pull over and call my husband to help me get through what at the time I didn't't know was a panic attack. That was the beginning of my fight with depression and anxiety. Oh it took a long while before it changed my life, but when it hit, it was hard. I remember the last 6 years at work, I would have to go into the bathroom because I felt I couldn't't cope. I would cry for no reason and felt like I was suffocating in crowds. I would sometimes even pull into the parking lot at work and then had to turn around and go home. I couldn't't make myself walk into the building. That started in 1999 and I stopped working in 2005. not because of the depression, but because of physical health problems. the only reason I was able to hang onto my job was FMLA. If it were not for leave of absence I would have lost my job 3 or 4 years earlier. Because my physical health was declining, my mental health started to slowly get worse. In 2005, I was seeing a shrink, but I got to the point where I wasn't't going to see him. It wasn't't because I didn't't want to, it was because I couldn't't. I couldn't't hardly get out of the bed. A friend would come by, take care of my dogs, and check on me daily. I barely took showers, my hygiene went down, and I lost 20 lbs in 3 months just laying in the bed. It was and still is the darkest days of my life. There were several things that caused me to sink into that deep dark hole. But thinking back hurts and saddens me so much that I can't speak of it or write it down. thankfully because of my good friend Doug, and a wonderful dog I owned, I got through it. But it took a different shrink, different drugs, and a lot of therapy. After a year with this shrink, I went to another one. He was great, he helped me get off 2 of my 8 pills and took time to tell me things about my condition that I couldn't't comprehend. then in 2008 he went with his wife to Mardi Grai and he had a embolism and died! My wonderful shrink who was like family was there one day and gone the next. I had to leave the practice because I couldn't't walk by his empty office with out crying. Now I'm seeing a great shrink who is compassionate and very understanding. He tries to keep me balanced and on level ground. It's still very hard. I can go for several days where I have no energy, can't get out of the bed except to feed and let my dogs outside, and my insides feel like mush.Then just the depression comes on me then I will wake up one morning and i'm fine. It feels like someone opened the blinds, let the sunshine in, and a pleasant warmth fills me inside. I'll go on like that for days and then BAM, the depression will hit me again. I never know if it's going to last 2 days, 3 or 4. the longest time I'I've gone through it was a week. the same with the good days, I never know how long it will last.
I have a hard time even on good days going out to the store, even a grocery store. I wait until there is nothing in the house to eat and then I make myself go out.fortunately a good day will happen and that helps me go out. I'm only comfortable in my house and in my yard. when I have to go to appts, I usually end up canceling them. I dread meeting new people and feel guilty for missing out on events with family and old friends. I make excuses why I can't make it to a function. I seem to do anything not to go out with anyone including the people I love very much. I miss my old life, I miss my family, and I miss the few friends I had. Even though I feel safe in my house, I worry all the time. I'm scared that one day I'll go into a depressed state so deep that I'll never come out of it and the few familiar things in life that keep me sane will be gone forever. it seems no one understands how I feel or the person I'I've become. Except one thankfully my oldest sister has started to understand my life as it is now. She lives in another state and one day if it's ever possible I will move to be close to her. As hard as it will be to go through a move, I will somehow find the willpower, face the fear of leaving my safe zone, and just go. I am writing this, and I know even though it's what I want, I might have the mental strength to go through with it. What happened to me? I still love life, but I can't seem to control the way my mind is making my body feel. Is this ever going to end or am I going to live in this nightmare till the day I die? the only small comfort I have is my dogs. Honestly, if it were not for them, I wouldn't't want to live. they give me comfort, they make me feel safe, and I do feel they are the only reasons I make it out of my dark days. Yes they cost me money, they are a bit of work, but it's that one thing that makes me get out of the bed. Even during my depressed days I had to feed them, and let them go outside. I hang onto them like a safety line. If i were to lose them, I think my life would be over. who would help me make it out of the dark hole that seems to suck me up every so often. More often than I like. I am sure however that my doctor helps me with the drugs he gives me. I know without a doubt from the past when I wasn't't taking anything that if I didn't't have my meds, that I would surely succumb to death even though my lifeline, the dogs are with me. I have to stop writing now, this is the saddest thing I have ever had to write. I started this blog to see if speaking of my feelings and what i go through daily will help me. We will see, it will either help or I'll stay the same. It can't get worse, because if it does, I won't even know who I am. This is the first time ever since I'I've been sick like this that I have shared what my life is like with anyone. Even my doctor doesn't't know how bad it is. And it's not because I want to hide it from him. It's because I haven't been able to tell him. when I see him, it's usually on a good day.And the couple of times that the days were bad, I would put on a fake smile and do my best to get through it. It's very hard to accept that I'm this way and feel so horrible so much of the time. But I can't make it go away. I try and it beats me more times than I want to admit. Maybe i'll share this with my doctor. Maybe this is a good way to communicate what I go through? but i know only on the good days can I even get on the computer for any length of time. I'm feeling strange after sharing so much of my darkness, so I am going to stop writing. God please help me get through this because you are my only hope of making it till it's my time to leave this earth.
rottiegal13 rottiegal13
51-55, F
1 Response Jul 23, 2010

thank you so much. I was thinking of printing out what I wrote and sharing it with my doctor since I seem to have a hard time opening up. Even when I went to a therapist, the first visit I was crying and haven't been able to go back. Letting someone see that side of me is so very hard...people view depression as weak and us not wanting to do anything in life. thing is i worked hard for one company for 26 years and loved life. then I started to shut down, it was the beginning of my nightmare...