The Good Things That Came Out of My Experience With Depression (yes There Is Such Thing)
last month, i finally got up the courage to go to a psychologist. i had been feeling some early signs of it at the end of last year, and with the event of a friendship break-up, and with a million other pressures of grade 11, i plummeted and fell into a deep depression. during that time though, i didn't actually know that it was depression - i thought it was; i had done tests online, which told me that i most likely had depression - but that still didn't convince me because I'd always think, no... all i've done is self-diagnosed myself - it's probably wrong, i'm just a hypochondriac, it's all in my mind, it'll all blow over, just wait it out, etc, etc, excuse, excuse. it didn't all blow over though, the feelings continued. somehow i ended up talking to my sister and my mum about everything, and crying a lot. it made me feel kinda good that i told someone at least, but the situation i was in seemed to require more than just talking, more than just crying bucket loads. so i went to the doctor with my mum - mum did most of the talking, saying that i'd been down and stuff, that i'd been completely different lately. so i went for the one-on-one interview diagnosis thingo with the doctor the next week, and found that i was indeed suffering from depression/anxiety. it sounded completely accurate. it was a weight off my shoulders. so i got the referral to a psychologist, one that was specialised in teenage cases like mine.
the story doesn't just end there with: and i went to see the psychologist and everything was fine. there is hope later in my story though, don't worry!
okay, so as i mentioned, i felt a lot better with this weight off my shoulders, but, unfortunately, i took this feeling of relief and happiness to mean that i was already cured. i hadn't felt happiness like this for AGES so i just figured i was alright now, and i didn't go see the psychologist then.
so i was fairly good for a while, thinkin, hey this isn't that bad, my life's getting back on track now. i told my mum this, and she seemed so happy about that too.
but then, a couple of weeks later, some things started bugging me again. they bugged me, until i started to feel parts of the depression again. it wasn't as bad as the previous depression, half the time, give or take, in fact, i was actually genuinely happy. but there were still those moments - those self-destructive times by myself in bed where i would cry enough to cure the drought, thinking, why, why, and what? what's happening to me?
but by then, i felt like the moment had passed - i'd already told the secretary at the doctor's that i wasn't going to have the session with the psychologist, i appeared happy to everyone else, and sometimes i felt it too.
during exam time, i felt a lot better, because i had something huge to distract me, something i actually had to pay attention to, because i was determined to do good. my mind was a lot clearer, things seemed to be going pretty good. the school holidays came, and i was sooooo glad :D. okay.. then a couple of days in though, i was feeling crap. i knew i had to do something. it was about a week into the holidays. i knew what i had to do. i was going to tell mum that i had been feeling a bit down lately, and i wanted to go see the psychologist, see if i can work things out. i clearly remember, as though it was yesterday.. :P (it was only about 3 weeks ago) that i planned to tell this to mum the next day. the timing wasn't right. ok, so i'd definately tell her the next day. i was going to tell her when we were out driving. the timing wasn't right. but i had to tell her that day. i couldn't go another night without it not happening. so i told her i wanted to make a hairdresser's appointment and a driving lesson. so mum was playing the computer, and i was in the same room as her, looking through the phone book for the hairdresser and driving school numbers. i found them, then flicked silently to the section with psychologist's numbers in them. i was getting up the courage to tell mum. just do it.. just do it.. just do it.. it was going over in my head. you can do it, just get it over with, it'll all be okay. and so i said it. "also.. i'd like book a psychologists appointment too, because i've been feeling a bit down lately. she immediately sprang up, hugging me, saying she didn't know i'd felt that way, and how long? and that of course i could make a psychologists appointment, i'm sure it'll be worth it, you can find some good methods for dealing with things, lets find the number of that psychologist you were going to go to.
i felt so much better :)
so i went to see the psychologist - she was great :) she gave me a few things to do, and they were helpful. it was definately worthwhile to go to her.
i feel so much better right now just by sharing that experience, by realising that i have done something positive for my own wellbeing, and i can easily do it again, because i've done it before. :)
i hope that every one of you can find the happiness that i just did.
peace. :) xoxo