I Hate This

I hate being so depressed and anxious all the time. I can't eat, I never have an appetite and I really need to gain weight. this is really embarrassing.... I'm always stuck in the house. I don't have a car or a job, and I have no way of getting one. So I sit at home all the time, most of my friends work so I never chill with anyone. The only person I see on a regular basis is my boyfriend, and he is usually working. it's really weird because when I have the chance to get out and do something I usually don't want to because my anxiety gets really bad.

I feel so embarrassed about it, I don't want to be a hermit or anything. And I feel really bad because when my boyfriend goes to hang out with friends it makes me mad most of the time because I want him here with me. i know i probably sound crazy and hey maybe i am. Like today, my bf went home and usually he works wednesday mornings so i figured thats why he left. then he told me that he doesn't work until afternoon tomorrow, and my feelings got kinda hurt that he left. I know he needs to spend time with his family too but I guess I'm so lonely and he's the only person I ever see anymore really.

I used to not be like this, when I was younger I was so full of energy and I never had anxiety. I used to love going places and doing stuff, and meeting new people. I just want to be normal again, I'm so tired of being a prisoner to my anxiety and depression.
sillyginger sillyginger 22-25, F 11 Responses Mar 29, 2011

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Let me add this

Being a life long manic depressive, I am not a fan of the word bi-polar because it does not carry any useful information.

I have been offered drugs for my depression, but I am in a large group of people who would never give up the Manics to stop the depression. I think now of depression as a rest and refueling period, now this makes it very difficult to hold a regular job.

Here are other things I have found, you need to study brain chemistry, get blood work done, difficult to do when you are alone. Especially when you get a long run of the blahs.

Nutrition is extremely important, especially the sugars. When you have a spike in blood sugar, your pancreas releases insulin to control the blood sugar, but it is using genetic information which has not updated to candy bars, ice cream, white bread and peeled potatoes. So it imagines there is all this complex carbohydrates waiting in the wings to keep your blood sugar up. The sucrose/glucose has gone directly into your blood stream and there is NOTHING behind it. Maybe a good image is you have a broken gas gauge. Your sister borrows your car. you know you have drive say 350 miles and you get 400 miles. so you only have 50 miles. You ask her did you put gas in the car and she says yes, but she fails to tell you she only had $5 and only put in 1.5 gallons and added only 50 miles to your range.

You go off thinking there is MORE gas and you are coming home after driving 75 miles and 25 miles back you RUN out of Gas.

White sugar, refined starches and all those things are like that.

You body sees the sugar spike and a few hundred years ago there was NO white sugar, no white bread. So there was a complex sugar and some broke down and there is more being broken down.

But today you eat white bread or a cup of coffee with a spoonful or two of pure glucose which is what your body uses. This goes straight into your blood stream there is NO breaking it down.

When the insulin knocks down the blood sugar you tend to have what is referred to as a 'sugar crash" you not only don't have the right amount of sugar in your blood stream to fuel your brain and body, you actually have less than needed (Low blood sugar) you brain starts to shut down and the lethargy is the same as depression, it really is sort of triggering depression.

So eat 'real food' and this means steak, chicken or fish. Also eat fats because they break down slowly (BTW fats do not make you fat or cause heart problems. Carbohydrates DO!!) Eat these with fresh vegetables. Get some books on Chinese cooking because they know how to make vegetables both taste good and retain their vitamins as opposed to the Boiled to death taste like **** way too many western diets use.

Eat fruit, drink water but not too much this 8 glasses of water a day is TOTAL water and 80% of that should be inside the vegetables and fruits you eat, not carrying around bottles or water to 'hydrate' yourself. Many people who are drinking water all day are actually leeching out the water soluble vitamins and minerals.

Next if you are going to drink coffee, use honey and as little as possible NEVER drink a soda.

Caffeine in moderate amounts is fine but more than 3 cups of coffee (cup cups not the how big a coffee mug mugfuls can I drink).

Minerals and calcium is especially important to the brain as are the levels of Acetyl Cartinine (or L caritine) and alpha lipoic acid are critical transport molecules for your cells mitochondria which are the actual energy centers in the brain.

Taking hormones like Melatonin at night and a few others and some amino acids all will help balance the brain's chemistry. Getting to bed early is also critical for people who suffer from depression.

Finally, exercise. This does not have to be jogging, but things as simple as going for a walk after dinner for 20 minutes and getting up in the morning and if you take a bus to work walk one or two extra bus stops BEFORE you get on the bus or if you drive to arrange with a neighbor to park some distance from your house and walk to you car in the morning. Yes it takes a bit more time, but if you make it a part of your routine and you feel it make you feel better you will get a big result.

Weight training means nothing more than picking up really heavy things two or three times a week. Do a single set of the heaviest you can lift about 8 to 15 times. That is it, all this I do 85 sets of 15 reps of blah blah blah is great if you want to be a competitive weight lifter, but to be healthy especially mentally healthy takes very little.

Finally having someone to talk to and share things with. Which from the sounds you are not just doing but being wonderfully aggressive (compliment here not a put down) about. Pushing to connect shows you give a **** and that is a critical problem because most depressives got it wired up in their belief system that they are worthless/ unloved/not worth loving and a whole wild range of 'crazy' ideas, which often have a very real basis for believing because of the way they were treated during KEY events in their childhood. Key events means they could have generally great parents but had a critical event which was emotionally traumatic and they formed a deep rooted belief and then over their lifetime reinforced that belief (right or wrong and more often than not wrong).

Finally, if you live alone, get a dog. Dogs are very much like people and they give you a social companion unlike cats which more share a house and will come for a pat when they want.

Dogs will always be excited to see you, will share you moods when you are down and come and comfort you. They also need to be walked and this gets you out and walking.

I hope this helps.

Cars that use gasoline do not run well on coffee.

Brain chemistry 101

When I smoke for a few days in a row, I get tired and a bit depressed until I smoke again. If I stop I get anxious for a few days.

Go find a speed dating place and go talk to people.

Therapy works when you want to have therapy work.

When you are around people you do not know, put out your hand and say, "Hi I'm ginger."

The first person who says "**** off" you get to stop.

I made a deal to meet people just like that when I was 4 with my father. It was at a cocktail party. I thought I could shake hands with a few people and be done forever.

I was 36 before I met the @sshole. over 50 before I met the second.

You create your universe.

You have done a beautiful job creating this one.

Now try a new recipe. Anyone can cook the same meal day in day out.

I understand exactly what you mean.

I am trying to get back to a therapist now. My situation has been triggered by a series of events over the span of years. I am neither optimistic or pessimistic now, I am trying to see figure out what I want in life and then see how to proceed.

I understand all too well the way you feel. I've been a pessimist as long as I can remember.. I've tried so hard to be optimistic but when good things rarely happen you start wondering what is the point of being positive? I just wish I was outgoing and happy like I used to be. I feel like a freak or a hermit honestly... I see so many people that work, go to school, go to parties, etc. It makes me want to be more reclusive, I feel like my social skills have gone down the drain. Now when I'm around people I don't know it's so hard for me to have a conversation, I have nothing exciting to talk about. Have you tried therapy?

Hi Silly, I am sorry you feel that way. I am very similar in that depression and anxiety are having a profound effect on my life. I stay at home most of the time. I have recently hit rock bottom and kinda gave up on expecting good things. Strangely this has helped my anxiety.

Yeah I also used to loooove to do xanax and klonopins, but I had major addiction problems to xanax and klonopins. It's weird because I never had anxiety until I quit xanax cold turkey....that's when my anxiety started.

My anxiety actually hasn't been as bad as it was, I used to get anxiety attacks 2-4 times a day, I couldn't eat at all. I know exactly what you mean, weed does the same thing to me. Not all the time though. I also noticed that my depression seems worse when I smoke daily.

Yep sometimes when I smoke I do get anxiety attacks before going somewhere, it depends on where I'm going though.

i'm sorry you have to deal with this, have you tried therapy? there are very effective anxiety meds but they are also highly addictive too. I've been really interested in Buddhism and i believe that can help anxiety and depression. I can't focus my mind so I can meditate yet but I'm working on it. My anxiety is usually about things that are out of my control, I kept telling myself "Why worry? why have an anxiety attack? it's not going to change the outcome" That somewhat helps me from freaking completely out.

I totally relate with you on this one too. Your life sounds so much like mine. Besides my best friend, my ex boyfriend was the one I spent like all of my time with. Now that he's gone, I'm pretty much alone. I never used to be like this, but I have a lot of anxiety too now, so going out and meeting new people is kind of hard. It's really ridiculous living like this. It sucks to know what you need to do to be happy, but something inside of you is holding you back from getting there :(

I really wish medical marijuana was legal here, I'd much rather smoke than take some highly addictive pills.

One of the reasons my social anxiety is so bad is because I'm constantly worrying what people are thinking about me, I always feel like they are thinking bad thoughts about me or they don't like me. Then I usually stay really quiet cause I'm afraid I'll say something and sound stupid. When I'm around my friends I feel completely comfortable and I am usually loud and talk a lot.

thanks j1nn, you are so sweet. I knew there was people out there with this same problem but I didn't know anybody. i'll definitely take you up on that offer :D

Lol. It helps my anxiety and depression a little, but it also helps me have an appetite cause my anxiety makes it impossible for me to eat and sleep.

Maybe if stopped heartmaryjane.... It'll get better. Lol