My Stomach Always Seems to Be In a KnotIn addition to being genetically predisposed to both anxiety and depression, I've been dealing with chronic pain for the last decade. Because, really, why only deal with two problems when you can deal with three?
For many years, I didn't figure out to separate the anxiety and depression from the disease. I thought the disease was what was making me miserable, and if the physical stuff would go away, then I'd magically be the happy, outgoing person my television said I should be. It took numerous crashes and bouts with suicidal tendencies to figure out I had problems with anxiety and depression too, and in fact dealing with those has been the most effective tool in dealing with the chronic pain.
I'm not suicidal. I mostly doing okay, but it's been kind of hard lately. I started having panic attacks after going off Zoloft, and I spent most of January dysfunctional. I'm back on medication, feeling a bit better, but still feel kind of anxious and like I don't have the energy to deal with life outside my bedroom. The worst thing is that my stomach seems perpetually knotted, and I have the worst time getting myself to eat. I like to call this the major life trauma diet plan. I don't really recommend it.
Part of the problem is that I broke up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years. That was...not fun. Perhaps you think me nuts to terminate one of my primary means of support, but I realized we weren't right for each other, and I have felt trapped and freaked out about that for a while. It needed to happen to allow me to get better. But, it's hard. I have moved around the country a lot, and I don't have many local friends, certainly no one i know well enough to ask to come over and make sure I eat. It's lonely, and I'm sad. I miss her, and my temptation is to find a rebound to take solace in. But part of what I realized is that I need to learn to be okay with myself before I can be functional in a relationship. Otherwise I'll end up clinging to anyone willing to take care of me. That's not good for either of us.
If only that didn't imply celibacy for the duration. Sigh. Alas, I'm not good at the casual relationship, so that option is basically out. Why do women have to look so damn good? ;)
So anyway, I spend a lot of time alone in my room trying to avoid thinking that I am a deficient person who is too boring and sickly to love. Being here helps. It's amazing how many people hide their pain and struggle from each other. It makes me feel a little less alone. I just wish we could drop some of those barriers when we don't have the reassuring anonymity of the internet. :-/