Since Childhood

it seems i huge effort to even write this,even tho i really want to-so great is my anxiety and depression-i want to finish things when ive just started-I was a very frightened child-night terrors-my parents were abusive but didnt realise it-they were doing only what they knew from their parents-my mother was sexually abused from a very young age and took all her rage and hatred out on me-my dad -critical-perfectionist-would treat me and the family as if we were stupid if we didnt do things his way-mistakes and accidents werent allowed-shouting arguments over small things-bitter resentment -emotionally immature-both.Im 43 now and have always kept my pain in -so terrified i was and am of these feelings.Talking doesnt help-i am cut off emotionally -and from people.A history of meds ,hospitals,alcohol abuse,self harm and hospitals(i havnt been able to work for 20 years)I
dont see a way out and feel noone has felt this not brave and probably feel sorry for myself but ive been this way so long im terrified of the alternative.I have new medication which does little,hope of a keyworker,a test for ptsd and day centres,i run away from people and myself-i cant breath-my stuck emotions affect me physically-chronic ibs,my heart clutching ,a blockage,shoulder back chronic pain.i cant stand still and sit most days-only going to shops for supplys etc.i was recently so scared i had to stay with my parents.I dont want to be seen or heard-as awful as my exsistence is i cant bear the thought of being any other way-truly a prison.
I fear for my future and fear losing my parents.
forever68 forever68
May 18, 2011