My Journey Through This Life So Far..

Hi everyone,
I am new to this forum, and am here to learn more about depression/(social)anxiety. I am 26 years old, I have 2 kids. Have been a parent since the age of 17, and have been a devoted, loving, nurturing one ever since.. I have struggled with depression since around this period of time.. Shortly after having my firstborn, I started feeling more disconnected than ever with the outside world, all my peers and friends were busy doing the "right" things in life... going to school/prom, parties, getting ready for college, planning their futures... and here i was 17, sitting inside my parents' apt with my 2-3 month old baby, not even knowing what i was going to do in the next 1hr, let alone the next yr or 5... It tore me up inside, I felt alone.
I wasn't alone thankfully, and I still am not. I have a close-knit, loving family, who are always there for me to support me and help me and just love me which is great, the sad thing is, that even though i KNOW they love me and care about me.... I JUST DON'T "FEEL" IT. I blame this on the black cloud over my head..the big D word...That's right folks, Depression. 3
It breaks me apart inside because at this point, I just don't feel strong enough to battle it all on my own now. I am thankful it's not extreme, but it's extreme enough that I don't feel like myself at all anymore and it's affecting my whole life. I've been doing a lot of self-reflection over the past 6 months+ and I see that my battle with depression has come and gone over the last 10 yrs.. A variety of different situations, stress, the feelings of being invisible(ex:walking down a street and really truly feeling like no one is seeing you), alone(even though I am not, I still have this "empty" feeling even when around others), sadness...have affected me in different ways.. until this newest "bout", i think ive always known its depression, but always just gotten though it.until now.

The beginning of this big black cloud....
in 09' i got pregnant with secondborn, and was very very happy. at this time it really seemed as though everything in life was falling into all the right places, so of course i was! i was on cloud 9 for the majority of the pregnancy and even for the first few months after my child was born...that's when things start going downhill in my eyes.. during my pregnancy i had gained quite alot of weight, more than is recommended or expected. my doctor kept saying it was of no concern so i just enjoyed. i had also stopped smoking so figured weight gain was better than smoking..
Looking back now, I see myself again, not at 17 this time but at 24 years old, with 2 kids now* secondborn is now 3-4 months old and there i am, looking at myself in the mirror not being able to fit in any old clothes of mine still...still not smoking...eating like i did when i was pregnant..i just felt like it was a bottomless pit.. I think smoking and depression caused me to eat more than forward a looking in the mirror again, and i can't even recognize who is staring back at me!! :( ..I step on the scale and see my weight is at its all time high. I started smoking again. The weight started dropping slowly at first as I don't eat when I smoke. Bye-Bye bottomless pit of a stomach! i am not happy that I started smoking again, but at that point with these feelings + stresses of life, I gave in but it has done me some good in the fact that i am no longer considered obese or overweight.
At this time I also started waking up everyday early (5-6am) with nausea from the moment I opened my eyes.. I would feel so sickly, I'd end up throwing up every.single.morning.. the nausea and feeling like crap constantly would last until about 1pm each day.. Got fed up, went to the doc, who says its sounds like acid reflux..puts me on pills...i finally start feeling better slowly. after the 1st month on the pills, i stopped taking them. all was well for a bit, then it came back with a vengence. i was so sick all the time its seemed like. ive had numerous trips to the hospital over things such as 2 uti's and stomach flu... these sicknesses left me in my room alone for 5-7 days at a time (this has happened 3x). Absolutely brutal. These sicknesses have made the depression get much worse in my eyes.
I am always worried about my health now more than ever, these sicknesses and now realizing and accepting it for myself that i know in my heart and mind that I am suffering from depression...  all the situations and feelings are just combining and my life feels like its in shambles at this point..
I am going to my doctor's asap to talk about this once and for all, this cloud is bigger than i can deal with on my own, and i say that because I am just tired of not feeling truly happy when i should, i am tired of feeling like i am putting on a front or a happy face daily to hide the way i truly feel inside... i am tired of not feeling like anyone likes me, or sees me for who i am.. the worst part of that statement is that i don't even think i can see myself for who i truly am at this point.. I just want to be the old me again, or better yet, the new and improved me. For now I keep on trucking on.. and i will keep trucking on for the better. My kids mean the world to me and i am going to get through this for them and myself. I want to be happy again, I want to feel surrounded with love again. I am tired of feeling so empty and done inside.

invisibleandalone invisibleandalone
26-30, F
1 Response Jun 13, 2011

I myself have been living with anxiety and depression for about half my life (I am 35 now). I am currently on Paxil and have Xanax for times I feel more anxiety. I am not sure if you are clinically depressed or if it is situational (since you stated that you would go back and forth). Either way, you should go see a doctor and get on something to help you. Paxil made a HUGE difference in my depression where it is no longer clinical but situational (as everyone deals with) but different medications affect people different. I have tried different ones over the years to help with some other problems I have, but for my depression, Paxil seems to work the best for me. My mom got really stressed when my grandpa passed away and to this day is still taking Buspar, so that is also something you could ask about. There are many different medications out there and obviously I am not a doctor, lol, so I do think the best thing for you would be to go in and talk to a doctor and see what they think would be right for you. Good luck and best wishes.