IT´S BACKThere was a blues festival in my town this week.
My daughter posted all the dates for the concerts on our refrigerator door just to make sure we wouldn´t miss any of the shows.
She is 12. She loves blues, jazz and classical music. Of course, she loves pop and modern songs but these seem to be her favorites. She plays them at night before she goes to sleep and listens to them on Sunday mornings. I love that about her and I like to take her to different cultural activities so that she can learn about diversity and know more about the world around her.
Yesterday was the last concert. A jam session. We both were looking forward to it. The other shows had been awesome. However, yesterday was one of those days when I didn´t feel at ease with the world. The energy that I´d had in the previous days was gone and I didn´t feel like doing anything or talking to anybody, the couple of calls I made had left me feeling disappointed and sad and thinking I will never get this right and I found it hard to move on from there all day.
As I said , my energy comes and goes. When it is on I manage to do things, to complete tasks that have been ignored for days, to plan for the days ahead and to dream a little. I don´t go manic and do extraordinary things. I simply clean what hasn´t been cleaned around the house and organize what hasn´t been organized in weeks. That´s all , but it makes me feel so good, and so accomplished and it gives me the feeling that if this lasted a little longer I ´d finally be able to make it and be as happy and successful as I have always wanted. When it is gone however, it is as if everthing stops. Whatever plan I made seems like an insurmountable feat, things are pointless and the dreams quickly melt into nothing.
I was really looking forward to go to the concert. I love the music and I was looking forward to get out of the house for a little bit. So I made myself get ready and we got there on time. The jam session was awesome , the musicians were amazing and all the time I was thinking why on earth do I still feel so bad ? It seems to me this never leaves me, no matter what I do or where I go it is always there bringing me down and throwing a dark cloud over my head.
And I hate it.
underconstruction 41-45, F 15 Responses 6 Oct 1, 2011