I Am Sick of Being Nervous All the Time Or Depressed
I hate feeling afraid or anxious all the time. I am the family scapegoat but also the peace-keeper. I am the daughter of an alcoholic mother and even though I am an adult I am still not over the **** I went through as a child. My mother repeatedly put me down for being overweight and told me how embarrassed she was that I was her fat *** daughter. Now as an adult I still struggle with self esteem and take abuse from older siblings for not being perfect in their eyes. I feel like I am always on the defensive waiting to be attacked. Thank God that I have the support of a few siblings that acknowledge the abuse I have taken. But I don't know how to learn to like myself or how to stop drinking. I had gastric bypass an only maintained a 50 lb weight loss because of my drinking. For this I feel like a failure and the more I feel bad about myself the more I want to drink and avoid my family. I feel guilty if I don't go to weekly Sunday dinners but all I have is bad feelings about myself the whole time I am there. I am repeatedly insulted by two of my brothers and only lately have I stood up for myself but that has now caused two sisters to attack me for causing coconflict in the family. So I am supposed to take their abuse- peace at all cost. I can't do it anymore- I would rather lose my family entirely than feel anxious and nervous all the time. The only way I can get through Sunday dinner is to have 4-6 glasses of wine to calm my nerves. I constantly feel judged and inadequate. I think that the only way I can quit drinking is if I avoid my family -cause they just make me feel terrible about myself. I am just such a people pleaser that I find it hard to stand up for myself. And thank God for the few siblings that acknowledge the big pink elephant in the room and stood up to the abusive brothers saying that it is unacceptable to treat me like a piece of ****. Can you believe that had to be stated - like two college grads could not figure out that it was unacceptable to treat me like ****. This incident happened just a few days ago and I am simply sick with heartache that I could be valued so little by some of my siblings as to blame me for the conflict because I did not want to be insulted anymore. I am just now realizing that my abusing of food and alcohol in my life has just been a way that I dealt with the abuse. I just know that I don't want to self medicate myself anymore. I want to feel good about myself and not anxious or depressed anymore.