I Am Sick of Being Nervous All the Time Or Depressed

I hate feeling afraid or anxious all the time.  I am the family scapegoat but also the peace-keeper.  I am the daughter of an alcoholic mother and even though I am an adult I am still not over the **** I went through as a child.  My mother repeatedly put me down for being overweight and told me how embarrassed she was that I was her fat *** daughter.  Now as an adult I still struggle with self esteem and take abuse from older siblings for not being perfect in their eyes.  I feel like I am always on the defensive waiting to be attacked.  Thank God that I have the support of a few siblings that acknowledge the abuse I have taken.  But I don't know how to learn to like myself or how to stop drinking.  I had gastric bypass an only maintained a 50 lb weight loss because of my drinking.  For this I feel like a failure and the more I feel bad about myself the more I want to drink and avoid my family.  I feel guilty if I don't go to weekly Sunday dinners but all I have is bad feelings about myself the whole time I am there.  I am repeatedly insulted by two of my brothers and only lately have I stood up for myself but that has now caused two sisters to attack me for causing coconflict in the family.  So I am supposed to take their abuse- peace at all cost.  I can't do it anymore-  I would rather lose my family entirely than feel anxious and nervous all the time.  The only way I can get through Sunday dinner is to have 4-6 glasses of wine to calm my nerves.  I constantly feel judged and inadequate.  I think that the only way I can quit drinking is if I avoid my family -cause they just make me feel terrible about myself.  I am just such a people pleaser that I find it hard to stand up for myself.  And thank God for the few siblings that acknowledge the big pink elephant in the room and stood up to the abusive brothers saying that it is unacceptable to treat me like a piece of ****.  Can you believe that had to be stated - like two college grads could not figure out that it was unacceptable to treat me like ****.  This incident happened just a few days ago and I am simply sick with heartache that I could be valued so little by some of my siblings as to blame me for the conflict because I did not want to be insulted anymore.  I am just now realizing that my abusing of food and alcohol in my life has just been a way that I dealt with the abuse.  I just know that I don't want to self medicate myself anymore.  I want to feel good about myself and not anxious or depressed anymore.

scapegoat scapegoat
3 Responses May 8, 2008

You're really angry! You're not just depressed, you are damn angry, and for good reason. First, you had to be the parent when you needed one instead. You had to wipe up the vomit, and clean the house, and feed her, and put up with her moods, and when she overfed you, to keep control of you, so she wdn't lose the maid, and she could see you cry, and she enjoyed all that -- and when her anger over her own life became booze, and you became the target bec. you were defenseless, you figured out how to survive. Gain more weight to protect yourself, and bec. few good moments were available beyond ice cream. Try to disappear into the woodwork. Maybe she wdn't find you and scream 'til your ears pound.<br />
I don't know how old you are, but I'm old. And I'm over her. But not until I got really, really pissed. It was enlightening. And I'm not overweight now, either. Stop taking the crap. That may be the one lesson your soul is aching for you to learn right now.

I too have the struggle with d/a. However, I have found something that has finally helped me.I may be premature in proclaiming it a solution. (It has only been several months now).<br />
Like many, my depression/anxiety is worse in the morning. I was researching why this would be so and discovered that cortisol levels are much higher in the morning. Cortisol is a stress related hormone which has been implicated in the brain changes associate with depression. <br />
I t appears that almost all SSRI's actually increase cortisol levels. SSRI's would often help my depression but leave me with an equal or worsened anxiety. <br />
I am now using a french antidepressant Stablon. It actually lowers cortisol levels. Well for the first time in my life I can get up in the morning without a problem. On top of that, I used to have frequent stomach problems and diarrhea and loose stool which I assume were anxiety related. They are completely gone. <br />
Alcoholics have high cortisol levels as well. Alcohol may be their manner to avoid the discomfort of the high levels of cortisol. You might want to check into it.

I feel for you and have given up all my family brother sister aunts uncles. I thought this would cure the problem. But now I wonder what life would be if my children had known these people. Did you know alcohol is a depressant? You might think about co-dependance counceling. good luck