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Just Tired Of Life

My entire life has been nothing but a struggle. Battling depression, anxiety and the stress has taken it's toll on me. I feel like I'd be better off gone. Nothing seems to go right for me, this black cloud is always with me and I'm hurting the people around me. I've should've ended it a long time ago. The only thing that keeps me here is my kids, whom I love dearly. But always being stressed and down is hurting them. My daughter asks why I rarely smile. It hurts me that I am always so down. I don't deserve my family. I have regrets cause I feel that I've hurt everyone around me because of my history with depression and addiction. I'm at a point in my life where I feel like I'm losing my grip at the end of the rope. I don't know how much more I can take. I hinder myself, am self destructive and know that I am a failure in every aspect. I just pray that God comes to my rescue. Thanks for letting me vent.
sufferin4life sufferin4life 41-45, M 3 Responses Apr 16, 2012

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In order for you to change the way you think, you are going to have to figure out why you depressed and rely upon addiction for escape. Without knowing that, you will always feel the way you do about life, and relationships. <br />
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It can be done, you have it within you to be happy. <br />
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You can message me if you like. <br />
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GOD Bless

I too at 55 have dealt with depression for 40 years. Notice i said dealt not struggled.<br />
I hope this helps.

That tone isn't helpful! I guess in your case, dealing with it came with relative ease when working at it? Good for you. Some are not so fortunate, but that does not make you superior.

@tonybfree -- I'm personally familiar with a lot of the things in your story. I keep thinking about my kids too, and after a long time I have finally concluded that killing myself would be the same thing as abandoning them in their eyes. Sorry to start off so heavy (and I am not judging), but the real point is they do need you and love you. Your daughter, by asking about you rarely smiling, is showing the love she has for you. Yes, you do deserve your family. Absolutely! And the converse is true, they deserve you. <br />
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It's clear you have challenges (and you're not alone there), and it appears like this has gone on for a long time. ie: you wrote "my entire life". Problems are solvable. Old problems too! Give yourself time. It takes many steps and a long term view of things. The first step is to decide what you want to fix first. Sometimes that's not easy to figure out ...<br />
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I have been asked "How would your life be different if you woke up the next morning and everything was solved?" Personally, that question is way too big for me and I don't know where to begin. I want to ask you a different premise: If you woke up and something (anything, small or large) was better than it was before, what would it be, and what would you be doing different? <br />
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By the way, venting was a good idea, and you're already taking the right steps. Keep going and stay in touch!

Thx, for your reply. I'm just tired of all the bad stuff in my life. If I could change anything, I'd say it would be me! The way I think, am and act. I've tried to fix things and wind up making them worse. I just feel like I'm tired of struggling for even the simplest of things. Praying helps for a little while but then I'm back to doubting that things will get better. Thx again for your input and you were not being harsh. Just keeping it real.

I read your post about the addiction / benzos / heroin. How is that going now? Are you still on the suboxone or some other replacement?