Just Not Coping At The Moment.

15 years i have had depression,anxiety,ocd and a form of agoraphobia meaning i can only go out with my husband and only to 'safe' places,day to day life is generally a 20 mile radius and a few times a year i will battle to travel further so that we can take our precious children on a vacation or beach trip,that will be 40-50 miles,i can do no more than that and feel horribly guilty about it.

Now despite all of this i have always been determined to fight back,always been determined to accept the things i have been unable to change and make the most of what i can do rather than focus on what i can't,i live in the UK where waiting lists are long to see a specialist and even when i have gone so far no therapy or medication has had any impact on this illness,i take one kind but that isn't much help,it's just that it is addictive and i don't have the strength to try to stop it,currently i am back on the waiting list to be reassessed for therapy again.

There has been a huge amount of stress in my life this year which has caused all of my symptoms to worsen greatly,the problem i find is that i have what i call a 'sticky mind',something will happen like a panic attack and i simply cannot let go of it and put it behind me so i hang on to that bad experience until i am sick with worry and falling apart again.

About a week  ago i was in the car,husband was driving as always as i can't and we got stuck in a traffic jam,now this jam was on a bridge which is not a long one but it is high and being stuck there made me feel very anxious,it's a route we take most days and i never usually have any problems with it but on this day i did,i told myself it was just due to the traffic jam and next time would be fine.

Since then i have been on that route every day and as of yet not had a panic attack there but that doesn't stop me from worrying that i will,i feel anxious as we approach the bridge,i pass over it ok then on the way back i feel anxious as we approach it again.

I sit at home feeling physically sick at the thought of going over it and get myself in a terrible state of anxiety,my muscles are tense,my mind is muddled and my vision is blurred and even though i havn't had anymore anxiety on this bridge since that day we got stuck there i am convinced i will do and the thing is i know if i keep working myself up over it i am more likely to end up panicking on it.

There is no alternative route and i wouldn't want to avoid it anyway because i would feel like a failure but i have enough worry with other roads i have to travel on and this one was ok until a week ago,before that day i could happily leave the house knowing i was going over that bridge and i woudn't worry at all but now it feels awful and i can't shake the fear about it,it is so frustrating that this has happened in the space of one week.

Of course i know the only way to get over this is to face it and i will do that but i have so much to cope with already because of this illness and how it affects me that i just don't know if i am strong enough to get through yet another fear,another obstacle and another thing that is weighing down on me causing me to feel so awful,i am trying to stay positive but it's so hard when life is one big fight all the time.

Smileintherain Smileintherain
31-35, F
3 Responses May 12, 2012

Thankyou both so much,it really does make a difference to know you are not alone with this because it would be so easy to convince yourself you were going crazy otherwise,it helps to know that people do understand.<br />
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Julie i hear cbt is excellent and i am really hoping they allow me to try it,last time they said i was too depressed but i am hoping that i might get a different therapist who feels they can work with me.<br />
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Moose i completely agree that there is no quick fix for this and you are right it is about subtle changes,just taking each day as you feel it and doing the most positive things you can with what you are given on that day,i know i need to stop being so hard on myself and that i need to slow down at times,take a deep breath and focus on the things i can do rather than the things i can't.<br />
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I have yet to try yoga or any kind of meditation but shall look into it,i used to have reflexology and i plan to try that again.<br />
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We are all stronger than we think,we must be because we live with this,we manage with it somehow and we carry on fighting,one thing that keeps me positive is that when i do achieve something i cherish it and appreciate it so much,it really taught me not to take anything for granted and to try to be the best person i can be and i will never give up hoping that one day things will improve.

That's the spirit! Adversity builds character.

I agree that it's a constant struggle and so many times it's disappointing. I also have to deal with several anxiety disorders plus depression. I won't give you any advice I just want to tell you that you are not alone in this. There are so many other people out there who struggle every day with anxiety and depression. There are times I want to give up. I feel I can't take it anymore, the frustration and disappointment but then another day comes and I'm feeling better so I just "keep walking". I'm in therapy at the moment. It has helped a great deal. It's cbt. Take care!

I hear you man. I have had similar struggles and at times just stayed home or medicated with presc<x>riptions or alcohol.<br />
Maybe you can look online and find a support group of people with a similar circumstances? Try your local mental health services? <br />
Don't give up. You may have to slow down though. Take things one step at a time. Try to live in the now. Tell yourself you'll be ok. Pray. Meditate. I've heard so much positive results from yoga! <br />
I don't think there's a 'quick fix' . Suttle changes. Give yourself credit when you do something positive. Give yourself a break. Monitor self talk and stop any negatives.<br />
I hope I haven't overwhelmed you. Easy does it. Little by little.<br />
And keep talking about it and maybe journal or blog . It seems to help.<br />
Wishing you all the best!