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The Upheaval Of Moving

Since Christmas, I have been determined to move from my current home in a six unit dwelling. There have been new neighbours that I have found it hard to get along with. One uses every available common space in the building for the personal effects she can't cram into her storage locker or her own apartment, the other has parties every Saturday which end up with loud music and bongo drums at 3 am. Of course, I question myself and wonder if maybe the common element that is a problem is me. I can be impatient and I haven't been good at addressing conflict in a healthy way. But I have tried my best to do so in these situations, all to no avail.

Anyway, why should I care? I'm leaving this apartment within the next month. But I can't say I'm excited about my new place, even though it is a very nice apartment. It's bigger, and in a bigger building where I can be more anonymous. There is a superintendent and a very good condominium board who deals with people who don't respect the rules. I'm moving at a very stressful time in my job, and I am also only going to be in the place for two weeks before I leave for an extended vacation in Europe.

I've been going through papers and the personal effects of three generations of my family in preparation for this move. My father died seven years ago, and even though he was pretty ruthless in paring down the amount of stuff he was going to pass on to me, there were things I've been hesitant about getting rid of. Until now. I've been merciless in shredding documents and throwing out or donating things I know no one else will want, and I don't want to leave for someone else to get rid of once I die.

I feel very sad, because I haven't been able to make a positive connection with these most recent neighbours. I also feel sad having to think about what I need to throw out so that when I die it won't be too onerous a task for the people who will have to clean my place out. I'm also nervous, because my new apartment will cost a little more to run on a monthly basis, and I will have a small mortgage for the next four to five years.

I try to meditate and read books on spirituality. I have tried to be kinder and gentler to myself and to others (although I find it hard to be in the presence of either of my neighbours). I try to breathe deeply and not to let bad feeling overwhelm me. I'm trying not to overeat or drink or overspend because of my feelings. I try to acknowledge the uncomfortable feelings but not to think I'm a horrible person or that others are horrible. Tonight's just a little tough, that's all.
expo67 expo67 51-55, M May 17, 2012

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