I have come to realise that fair weather friends are ten a penny, really good friends who stay with you through & thin are not there or are there in people who you would least expect if from. I suffer from depresion and after talking to a counsiler l realise that l stamp collect as she put it. At first I thought stamp collect my Ar*e, I took that literaly ( what a daft sod l am) when she explained what the meaning was, l fully understood. I have a great deal of empathy l know how people are feeling & really do not want to upest anyone. 
I think this stems from my childhood after my parents died l was treat like sh*t, I could never do anything right, if l was right l was wrong and got many a kicking for it. I hated the horrible gut sinking feeling when l got a bollacking  it felt bad the heart sinking feeling and l would never wish that one anyone, this was useualy followed by a good kick in A rolling pin over my head or just a simple fist in the face. That l could deal with a bloody nose or black eye they hurt for a bit but soon forgoten after all its only pain for a short while.
The gut feeling stayed with me more, I hated that feeling and l really try not to upset anyone, well l say that l have been in managment and sometimes you have to be hard. If l dont know you l can be as crurle as hell, I feel the pain but it does not affect me as much.
Its people that l am/was close too that l have challanges with, I say nothing just take it in, but bugger me l remember every little hurtfull comment they make. I will not say anything but its logged and registered.
This is where the stamp card comes in for fear of upseting friends l say nothing the stamp card is fulll, then Oooh crap then when l have been pushed to far it all comes out every little thing that they have said that upsets me is spilt out, there are things from six months or a year ago that little things that they even cannot remember. This really does not do me any favours its a case of to much to late.
If l could say things as they happen maybe j.ust a  little comment at the time but l carnt empathy a gift or a curse ?
I hate to hurt anyone, hate that heart dropping, gut renching feeling. If my stamp card gets full it has to be cleared at a great cost to myself.
But what other choice do l have ?

BILL1751 BILL1751
51-55, M
May 20, 2012