My Life Long Battle.

Since I was a little girl Iv'e suffered with feeling anxious , through being badly bullied. As I got older this only was going to get worse. In my teen years I developed panic attacks and I would often avoid social things and situations because of my anxiety. Then when I left school for college in 2008 things gradually got better. - for a short time. I didn't have any anxiety attacks for a few years. But then I met my then boyfriend in 2009 he was okay for a year, an I admit it was so hard for me with him having medical problems. But as time went on he became abusive, he would hit,kick,punch me etc. then he started using objects to threaten me with. he'd often say it was all about testing me. I was stupid, it was to hurt me. he'd force me into things I didn't want to do. an finally in April 2012 I was at my wits end. my Nan had just passed away and he was still treating me like crap, My anxiety and panic attacks had come back worse then ever before, and i was scared. I finally picked up the guts to end it with him in the beginning of this month, and I haven't looked back. I see him as in the past and gone. However the damage hes done to me, has almost killed me. My immunity has gone low, I'm constantly feeling un-well , my appetite has gone. And to make matters worse iv'e always thought of my child hood crush since ending it with him the feelings have become more intense. Because I used my ex to block out the feelings. I know one day anyway I will get myself well again, I can't find work at the moment. As I'm to ill and yes Im only 20 years old so for just 20 years of life... it is a bit much to go through. I thought I loved him my ex at first, and my child hood crush was just always there in my mind. I never loved him , I pity-ed him, and I realize that now he made me so ill by all the ill treatment he gave me. And as my anxiety has come back and depression. I'm down all the time, but I should In time pick myself back up. I hope I just remember this as a "bad phrase" in my life.
Digoftheheart43 Digoftheheart43
18-21
May 25, 2012