I Don't Understand What I'm So Afraid Of

Up until about a year ago I was living a fairly "normal" lifestyle for someone my age, taking classes part time, working part time, just trying to juggle both of those. The thing is though that my work kept upping my hours, which caused my grades to drop a lot lower than where they could be. So, I decided that I had enough money saved up so that I could leave the job (which was pretty much dead end anyway) and return to school full time. All in all, it was a good decision, I had three semesters of good grades which bumped my average up and put me in a position to transfer to another college.

That being said, leaving the job and focusing on school full time did change my day to day lifestyle quite a bit. Most of my social interaction was at work (between that and school I really didn't have much of my own time for a "social life") and once at school I really got into being an academic, loved reading, writing, & analyzing. Still do. And I had everything planned out; I was going to transfer for the fall, and find full time work for the summer.

Then recently I was in a car accident which ultimately changed quite a lot of things. No one was seriously hurt, but the whole thing definitely opened up some old wounds. Suddenly I didn't have a reliable car, which made me reluctant to sign up for any new jobs until I did. Ever since I got a new car, I've applied all over the place but no one has even given me a call back. If I can't line up a job pretty soon, it really does screw up my backup plan for working full time for the summer & fall semesters, saving up some money, then going back full time in the spring.

The anti-depressants I'm on now, they definitely make me happier but also make me feel more vulnerable. The raw feelings I got when I wasn't taking them, the anger, in particular, was a driving force for me (even if the anxiety could often cancel it out). As much as I want to find work, the longer this lingers on, the more afraid I get to jump back into the game. All I want to do lately is write.
WellOWell WellOWell
22-25, F
2 Responses Jun 11, 2012

Omg! You are soooo not alone. I've been there from mild to extreme! The hard part, I think, is that there is no one thing or certain formula to try to get better. What I did was try everything! I would say 12-steps and finding a Higher Power is when it started to click for me. (drugs & alcohol were just a symptom of fear) I learned I don't have to live in fear every day! That was so 'freeing' that I wanted more. I still have 'issues' but I'm happy with myself. I was sooo angry! I told people at meetings that God did not give a crap about me! They said what have you got to lose? No one needs to know weather you pray or not. I was pissed cause it made sense! I was petrified that any Higher Power would care about me cause then I would have something to live up to and then I would fail. Again. It was the beginning of my healing. I wrap you in white light and Big cyber Hugs! (Hope I don't sound like a preacher. If I do,,,I'm sorry. It's just my story)

My fear envelopes me every day.<br />
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I used to be a very successful, high profile broadcast journalist with awards recognizing my work and a comfy six figure. I've been suffering from depression and anxiety most of my life. But it all took a terrible turn five years ago when I suffered six major setbacks and losses. My cascade has been gradual and steady. Today, I sit in my house, having isolated myself from friends, and allow the anxiety to tear me up every day.<br />
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I have four doctors and have taken every med out there, it seems. But now, my fear is so serious that I have a hard time making it to the grocery store or talking on the phone. <br />
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I don't get it. I just crashed like a computer, all my circuitry sizzled out under the weight of my own mind. I can't work. I don't eat. I feel useless and frightened. I stay in bed most of the day, and lack the strength and confidence to live my life. <br />
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You are not alone.

mdg1 and WellOWell - I so know what you're going through and I too don't understand it. I've crashed and burned exactly as you've described mdg1. You both are not alone!