I Don't Understand What I'm So Afraid OfUp until about a year ago I was living a fairly "normal" lifestyle for someone my age, taking classes part time, working part time, just trying to juggle both of those. The thing is though that my work kept upping my hours, which caused my grades to drop a lot lower than where they could be. So, I decided that I had enough money saved up so that I could leave the job (which was pretty much dead end anyway) and return to school full time. All in all, it was a good decision, I had three semesters of good grades which bumped my average up and put me in a position to transfer to another college.
That being said, leaving the job and focusing on school full time did change my day to day lifestyle quite a bit. Most of my social interaction was at work (between that and school I really didn't have much of my own time for a "social life") and once at school I really got into being an academic, loved reading, writing, & analyzing. Still do. And I had everything planned out; I was going to transfer for the fall, and find full time work for the summer.
Then recently I was in a car accident which ultimately changed quite a lot of things. No one was seriously hurt, but the whole thing definitely opened up some old wounds. Suddenly I didn't have a reliable car, which made me reluctant to sign up for any new jobs until I did. Ever since I got a new car, I've applied all over the place but no one has even given me a call back. If I can't line up a job pretty soon, it really does screw up my backup plan for working full time for the summer & fall semesters, saving up some money, then going back full time in the spring.
The anti-depressants I'm on now, they definitely make me happier but also make me feel more vulnerable. The raw feelings I got when I wasn't taking them, the anger, in particular, was a driving force for me (even if the anxiety could often cancel it out). As much as I want to find work, the longer this lingers on, the more afraid I get to jump back into the game. All I want to do lately is write.
WellOWell 22-25, F 2 Responses 0 Jun 11, 2012