A Jesture Of Enlightenment

I'm new to this but here is some Food for thought

I was just a little girl when he left (5), but he never disappeared. I never blame my 'lack of connection' because of it, but I know in my heart it has got a major part. I battle depression and anxiety everyday. For most days I am okay. My therapist says that i've found a sense of comfort in dealing, but why suffer to deal with it. I had always acted out with self infliction, since I can remember. I no longer endure with those types of actions. I've come a very long way from that and for that I am proud of myself, but still have the self insecurities that once came with self infliction. Still have my days where "it'd be better if I just wasn't here."

From past to present I have always felt lost, something was/is always missing. To everyone i've always been the happy-go-lucky, funny jokster, and the shoulder to cry on. I always felt throughout my life, weither in the moment the feelings were real and the connections were there, that every relationship was illusive. I do not take anti-depressants because I do not take medication (not even for a headache). I get anxiety from having anxiety, and the thought of medication ontop of that creates an even higher volume of anxiety almost crippling. That, I can blame on myself, for the abusive behaviors I put my body through. Day to day is a battle, sometimes I lose sight and can't "shake the funk." I'm pretty good at stabilizing my emotions now having gained some knowledge throughout my years of experience.

I guess why I came here is because, I do struggle, and I know I am not the only one. I know what it's like not being able to speak about depression because people don't believe in it, or when you let someone in on how you feel about yourself, they're so apalled like it's just a way to get attention. Even have people wonder why you could ever feel that way but, I've learned how to protect myself. That sometimes things are better left unsaid, but not left unacknowledged. I learned that working deeply within yourself and your soul, you can find the purity again. I am not religious but I do not judge those who are. I do not believe in God but I do not judge those who believe. I am an individual and just like you or anyone else, we get lost and when we've lost our path we are usually seeking to find a mentor or another soul for guidance. To me, emotion is the most powerful of all. It's what helps create our sense of morality, what makes us want to get physical and be a part of this world.

Writing about it more than anything is what helps. For myself i'd like to find the unspoken truths, weither it's bringing up hurtful memories or trying enjoy the good ones that I can remember. But, no matter who you are, what you choose, or what is given. It's how you go about it, that is the real challenge within yourself. You need to be the one to make the decisions and morals of your life. To be the one to encourage the positive outcomes you want. To assist in making sure you are the one who did it, because like everyone says "It's about number one" but it's also about connecting with number 2. (the outsource). But easier said than done.
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1 Response Jul 11, 2012

Very nice post; food for thought indeed. I am currently reading Thich Nhat Hanhs’, Reconciliation, Healing the inner child, I feel a couple of comments you made fit the subject matter of this book. He talks about our “original needs and fears” as a result of helplessness from birth. It involves our fear of being left alone due to the desire to survive when we cannot fend for ourselves. He discusses how the, as you put it, “acknowledgement” of this phenomenon, understanding and acceptance of these fears and needs is the beginning to reducing the suffering from them. He also discusses, as you mentioned, the benefits of bringing up hurtful memories as a methodology to reduce their effect. He says every time we, in a healthy way, bring these memories from our “store conscious” we return them smaller and less capable of causing suffering. When you mentioned everyone looks out for number “one” I think that ties into what you said about people’s reaction to depression and anxiety. People who do not suffer simply aren’t interested partly because their interest lies with number “one”. That is the good thing about EP, as you said, we can pinpoint exactly who we want to talk to and who wants to talk to us! (Hanh’s books can be bought from parallax press or Amazon books .com.) Talk to you soon!