They Say I'm Not Alone, But I Feel Like There's No One Else Like Me

If you asked me, I couldn't pin point the exact source of my anxiety or depression. There are a lot of things that make them worse, like my parents divorce, my abusive, critical ******* of a father or a number of other things. But I don't think that there's actually a source. All I know is that they're there.. Those feelings are always there.. And it hurts. Sometimes I literally hurt from my depression. When I'm at my lowest points I actually feel physical pain. It shoots through my chest, my stomach, my arms. It's a feeling that I can't explain, a feeling u wish would just go away. I've never known any one who really understands how I feel, but I've never told anyone exactly how I feel either, because I know if I do, they'll think I'm ****** up. And I am.

Have you ever had that feeling deep down inside of you. Its just this horrible feeling of sadness and loneliness and it's always there. Even when I'm with my friends trying to have fun I can still feel it. I try to hide it from them but I think they can tell anyways. I always have people telling me that I have sad eyes or evil eyes (more often the latter one) maybe those feelings inside me show through my eyes. I dont know.

These feelings often get worse at night. Some nights I can't sleep because of all the thoughts running through my head. And then some nights I don't sleep because I'm so full of energy that i can't even sit still. I don't know where all this energy comes from but I'm thankful for it because those are the nights that I don't feel so bad. I actually feel a little bit motivated to keep pushing on and not give up on life. But this energy is always gone by the next morning.

I cut. I can't stop myself from doing it. I love the feeling I get from it. I like the pain. No one knows about this thought. I don't want them to try to stop me.

I see a therapist every other week. My dad forces me to because he thinks I have anger issues. Since I'm only 17 I have no say over it. I have to go. The therapist knows nothing about my depression. All she knows about is what she calls my "severe anxiety" she sent me to a psychiatrist who prescribed me Xanax, I never take it though, it makes me feel ****** up. I hate it.

I'm always in a bad mood. My therapist says this is because of my anxiety. I disagree though. I think it's because people are stupid. I have so much hate towards so many people. This just makes me feel worse because I know I shouldn't feel that way.

I have no friends.. Well I have one but we don't have anything in common so we never hang out. And besides her, I have trouble finding people that I cab actually stand being around without getting pissed off over how fake they are or how annoying they are. The one person who I actually liked being around, who actually made me happy. The person I thought I loved ****** my cousin while we were dating and then he moved 4 hours away and blocked me from his facebook and changed his number and I still don't know why...

Some nights I go to sleep praying that I never wake up.. Does anyone understand?
Brookieh Brookieh
18-21, F
2 Responses Aug 5, 2012

I can relate to a lot of what you said. And everyone tells you it will get better, well, I have yet to see it. I am really trying to work on it and get what they call "healthy" but I can say this much, I have spent more time crying today than not, It took all I had to force myself out of bed and go to work. I too used to go to therapy but a lack of insurance ended that many years ago. I know nobody knows what you are feeling, nobody knows what I am feeling and it kind of makes me want to scream in their faces when they say they do. Hoping tomorrow is a better day for us both.

Today hasn't been too great for me either. I'm sorry about what you're going through. I understand what you said about having to force yourself out of bed in the morning. I missed over a month of school this past year due to lack of, I guess motiviation, to get up and make myself go. It really is so hard and most people just don't seem to understand that. A lot of people I know think that I'm just a slacker when really it's pretty much the opposite of that because I'm constantly working so hard to try and force myself to do things that it's almost impossible to make myself do. Do you ever feel that?
If you don't mind my asking, did the therapy help you when you used to go? I've only been going for a couple months and I haven't really received any help. If anything I feel more depressed now than I ever have.
And, thank you. I hope for better days for you as well

In every paragraph you described your feelings, I found myself in them, and yes , some nights are just so hard to go through. Reading the depression from your point of view makes me feel desperate that I will never heal and feel happy again.

Oh god, I'm so sorry if reading my story made you feel worse. That was not at all what I intended when I wrote it. I sincerely hope that you do find happiness again one day, because although I don't understand exactly what you're going through, I do understand how badly depression hurts and how badly it can effect your life. Best wishes to you