They Say I'm Not Alone, But I Feel Like There's No One Else Like MeIf you asked me, I couldn't pin point the exact source of my anxiety or depression. There are a lot of things that make them worse, like my parents divorce, my abusive, critical ******* of a father or a number of other things. But I don't think that there's actually a source. All I know is that they're there.. Those feelings are always there.. And it hurts. Sometimes I literally hurt from my depression. When I'm at my lowest points I actually feel physical pain. It shoots through my chest, my stomach, my arms. It's a feeling that I can't explain, a feeling u wish would just go away. I've never known any one who really understands how I feel, but I've never told anyone exactly how I feel either, because I know if I do, they'll think I'm ****** up. And I am.
Have you ever had that feeling deep down inside of you. Its just this horrible feeling of sadness and loneliness and it's always there. Even when I'm with my friends trying to have fun I can still feel it. I try to hide it from them but I think they can tell anyways. I always have people telling me that I have sad eyes or evil eyes (more often the latter one) maybe those feelings inside me show through my eyes. I dont know.
These feelings often get worse at night. Some nights I can't sleep because of all the thoughts running through my head. And then some nights I don't sleep because I'm so full of energy that i can't even sit still. I don't know where all this energy comes from but I'm thankful for it because those are the nights that I don't feel so bad. I actually feel a little bit motivated to keep pushing on and not give up on life. But this energy is always gone by the next morning.
I cut. I can't stop myself from doing it. I love the feeling I get from it. I like the pain. No one knows about this thought. I don't want them to try to stop me.
I see a therapist every other week. My dad forces me to because he thinks I have anger issues. Since I'm only 17 I have no say over it. I have to go. The therapist knows nothing about my depression. All she knows about is what she calls my "severe anxiety" she sent me to a psychiatrist who prescribed me Xanax, I never take it though, it makes me feel ****** up. I hate it.
I'm always in a bad mood. My therapist says this is because of my anxiety. I disagree though. I think it's because people are stupid. I have so much hate towards so many people. This just makes me feel worse because I know I shouldn't feel that way.
I have no friends.. Well I have one but we don't have anything in common so we never hang out. And besides her, I have trouble finding people that I cab actually stand being around without getting pissed off over how fake they are or how annoying they are. The one person who I actually liked being around, who actually made me happy. The person I thought I loved ****** my cousin while we were dating and then he moved 4 hours away and blocked me from his facebook and changed his number and I still don't know why...
Some nights I go to sleep praying that I never wake up.. Does anyone understand?