A Failure In Life.

I hit rock bottom a few weeks ago. I started cutting and was overwhelmed by thoughts of suicide. I was so afraid of myself, so I reached out for help. I still feel so bad. I'm a complete failure... After visiting my gp and a psychologist, I managed to get myself to the university to speak to a lecturer about deffering my practicals because I was just so overwhelmed. It was a scary and dreadful experience. She practically bit my head off, and demanded to speak to my psychologist, and I remember bursting into tears in her office because I felt so overwhelmed and like she was attacking me on top of it. I felt as if I was going to have a panic attack right then and there. After speaking with the psychologist she insisted that a deffered prac was not possible unless I were to be hospitalized. So I was forced to suck it up and complete my assessment. Today, the doc upped my dosage to 20mg. I'm now at the end of my prac, and the psychologist says it looks as though I'm getting better, but honestly, I still feel like crap. I feel dead inside, and I'm even more tired now because I wake up during the early hours of the morning and can't fall asleep again. On the plus side, the intense anxiety is gone, and I'm hardly cry. I don't know what to do now. I'm dreading having to go back to university and attend classes next week. I'm also terrified of approaching my lecturers now. I feel so helpless, I just want to give up. Exams are in 2 weeks and I don't think I qualify to write because my class attendance has been so bad, but I think I've completed all the required tasks and assessments, including my prac. I know I'll have to speak to my lecturers if I have any hope of getting through the next few weeks and writing my exams, but I'm afraid that the same thing will happen as before. They'll tell me that there's nothing that can be done at this point to remedy the situation. The worst part is that I know it's all my fault for letting things get so out of control. I'm so frustrated and so sad right now. I wish I knew how to speak to my parents about this. I feel like cutting again, but I haven't cut since before starting on citalopram. I need someone to tell me everything is going to be ok.
poetrybelle poetrybelle
18-21, F
2 Responses Sep 25, 2012

You are a winner not a failure !!!!

Hi hunny , I promise you everything will be ok !!!! You will always have me as a friend , if you need to talk !!!! XOXOXO DAVID