The Battle

Until the last couple of years when things finally got so bad I had to face them I battled depression without admitting it. I knew I was depressed but I didn't want the stigma attached to my name. I always see the worst, feel the worst about any situation. I never see the good that exists there or if I do I barely acknowledge it.

In college this depression became so extreme that when I got into a funk it would last days, weeks, sometimes even several months.

Still I wasn't ready to face it.

Finally, when life came crashing down around me and simply overwhelmed me to the point that I was ready to take my own life, that is finally when I admitted I needed help.

I was placed on medicine and began counseling.
Although both of those have helped tremendiously---I mean I no longer have those extreme funks---I still battle depression.

It is constantly there and seeks to take back over.
I find it comes out whenever something doesn't go the way I would like it too--immediately feelings of sadness threaten to overwhelm me.

If I'm not sure how something will turn out I worry incessantly, constantly and make myself more and more anxious and of course fear the worst possible outcome.

The sad thing is--that outcome is usually the one that does occur which just further reinforces that anxiety the next time it besets me.

I'm not sure if I will ever overcome this battle with depression and anxiety.
Not even sure I would even be able to handle it as I don't think I have ever been free from it even from the time of childhood.
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Nov 28, 2012