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I Am Alive

Here I am searching through the fog. The fog is so thick I can't see where I'm going and I don't know where I'm at, but I am alive.
I look behind me into my past and I can see most of where I have been. I see people I care for, people I miss, some good memories, but the hideous fog even haunted my past. Inside myself I  feel desparation and I'm pleading for help, but no one can hear or see me because they can't see inside, but I am alive.
I'm desperate now the fog is so thick I can't see. I only feel the drumming of my heart which is beating so hard and fast I can't control it, but I am alive.
The fog is inside me causing me to tremble and my whole world is shaking my whole being is coming apart, but I am alive.
Yes, the fog at times drives me to the edge of insanity. I try my best to just breathe through the fog that's holding me captive, but I can't use my cognitive or breathing skills because it fights back with it's angry, gloomy self, laughing at my lack of courage and strength, but I am alive.
I may not be able to see or know what's ahead of me. I may not know where I am, what I am or where I'm going, but with friends, support groups, and God himself carrying me, I will stay alive
keeva keeva 46-50, F 15 Responses Nov 30, 2012

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Had to visit your triumphant prose again.

Thank you for your gift.

I am loving this sentence >"My depression and anxiety has won many battles, but in the end I will win the war. I have won a few battles myself."

Shows determination and more importantly belief that you will eventually prevail and get through the difficult times you are going through right now!

HI i know the feeling xx hope you will be ok

Thank you natashatjie. My depression and anxiety has won many battles, but in the end I will win the war. I have won a few battles myself.
If your fighting the same battles that I am, I have learned a lot tools that help. One of the biggest is proper breathing. A hard one for me is to accept it. That is one I am working on. Journaling has also helped a lot.
I truly wish you a lot of success and come to feel life as something to look forward to.

the analysis that You have been doing about Your past life is advised by most healthy individuals because it enables us to understand our life better. You appear to be totally healthy human being and depression and anxiety is just within Your thoughts. Get them out and You might achieve highest heights in Life.

Thank you for a wonderful compliment. I have been working with this through cognitive therapy, mindful therapies.......to name a few. It's been a very difficult two years but, I'm working hard.
I have already been at my highest height. Now I just want to like myself, be OK with myself, to have a job to help pay the bill. I want to be around people and feeling Ok without wanting to run.
I can accept anxiety/depression, but I need to learn how and learn who I am.
I use to be a real good nurse and would love to return, but I need to accept that may not happen.
Thank you again for I am healthy bodily. Mentally is where I'm still struggling

Take my hand. We'll walk together.

aww, I would love to :-)

You know what? Your story, your beautifully written, emotive story, gave me strength. You know why? Because through all of that fog, with its vicious attacks, your life prevails. THAT, my friend, is strength. That is courage. Right there, in the face of adversity, you ARE. From that point, there is hope. Skepticism that this is all there is in the world for you, and hope that it may not be. From there you can begin to see different things, or even the same things - but perceived differently, and hope emerges from the gloom, which it sounds like it has begun to do for you :)
BW's
D9

Thank you. Yes I have begun finding hope in my life. I have a long way to go, but at least I'm going in the right direction.

:D

keeva, this is an incredible story of optimism and inner strength. My favorite part was "... but I'm alive."

This is exactly how I feel! Thanks

This is Debra. I just wrote you a long text and lost it. I can still manage my depression with a pill. It's a known fact that the medication can stop working. Maybe you need to see your Doctor about trying out a new med. Certainly wouldn't hurt. They have so many new meds out today we need not suffer. Depression is a very loney dark place. It's wonderful you have such a loving husband. My husband was always so good to me. He knew it was a chemical imbalance in my brain. I can still remember when my meds stopped working and I went to the black hole unable to do anything. If you would force yourself to take a walk every day you would feel better in a short period of time. I know how difficult it would be for you. But try and do it. Write me as often as you need to. I will check my mail a little more often. But what you have going for you is the desire and want to be happy. Go get those new meds sweet heart your worth it and more.

"If people refuse to look at you in a new light and they can only see you for what you were, only see you for the mistakes you've made, if they don't realize that you are not your mistakes, then they have to go."----Steve Maraboli Stay encouraged my friend......

i know there are treasures inside but i feel myself an ob<x>ject of pity being unable to see them ,feel them and explore them!i think tht these barriers laugh at me when i dnt have enough energy of mine translated into its powerful flow!but i hope tht my Creator Who Has made me aware tht there is jewel inside me He would make me able to explore them as well!sunshines!

Thank you for your comments. I guess I didn't realize all those feeling were in me until I wrote them. But I'm looking for a way out. Hopefully, we find our way out together

yeah surely!we will dear!love~hugs~sunshines!

Wow, beautiful. I would like to suggest something for you, which is to seek other people. They have different perceptions - and that is what you seek. They may have different perceptions than the ones you would like, however sometimes just seeing something different can inspire differences in ourselves.
Go well,
D9

really really beautiful1you really gave words to wht i was feeling and wht i was to say to tell me myself tht this is wht i m feeling!this is the fog from where my breathings are trying to come outside with mystical strength and love but it is the hurdle!i dnt know yr perspective completely but yeah i wish you may find the clear watery being inside you tht is ready to flow with full energy towards skies...blessings!sunshines!

Nice, I like the rhythm of repeated "I am alive" to emphasize "I will stay alive".
Keep breathing :)

All I can say is WOW! You hit the nail right on the head!! That is exactly how I feel!! I have been suffering anxiety and depression lately (you commented on my story of packing up my parents house recently). I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and wishing you well

Your alive my friend and even aware of the fact your depressed. Get immediate help and ask for better drugs. They are available and the Doctors are more than happy to give them to you. It's very common for antipressants to stop working. That's why it's so important for us to stay on top of our meds. It's OK to be depressed. I have been depressed my whole life but just didn't know it till I was in my forty's when I started taking Wellburtin and almost immediately there was a change and a good one at that, I learned what it was like to feel normal and it felt great. I went all those years suffering from depression. I'm thankful every day that I can take a pill to take away the depression and live a happy life. It's OK. Nothing to feel any shame about. Remember it's a chemical inbalance in our brain. You go get those new drugs available to you. Don't put it off a day. Suffer no more.