Not Sure How To Even Classify What It Is That I Feel...

My depression and anxiety have become such a staple in my life, I'm afraid they always will be. It's been about 7 or 8 years now that I've been mostly depressed. Sure I have fun every now and then, usually booze is involved, but for the most part I'm always looking at the world, myself and everything in it in a bad light. Sometimes my mind races so bad, the only way I can describe it is if you see a movie playing and you hit the fast forward button, well ya know how the screen looks all jumbled and flashy and everything is moving way too fast to concentrate on anything? Well when my mind races bad, my thoughts are like that........on total fast forward. And the more I concentrate on it and try to make it stop, it goes faster and faster. It's almost as if I'm willing it to happen. But the strange thing is, it's the last thing I want to happen. It's really weird.

But yeah, the racing mind thing isn't constant and it's not my main concern. I don't think I have a "main concern" as it pertains to my depression. The racing mind thing is just one of the little things that comes with it. No, rather.....my depression itself is the problem. I do not for the life of me know how to feel good anymore. The only thing that offers me relief is alcohol. I know it's not a problem solver, and I don't think of it as such. I also have a pretty good handle on how much I allow myself to use it. I don't have a drinking problem, I just know that when I do drink, chances are I'm gonna feel good for the time being and at least get numbed out enough that I don't have to feel anything for a short while. So I'll occasionally use booze to have a good time.

I've lost a few jobs because of my depression too. Not fired for depression, fired for my s**t attitude as a result of my depression. I never come right out and say to my employers that "I'm dealing with depression" or whatever, I guess you could say I just can't control it enough to get through work without it being noticed. It's to the point now that I don't even want to leave the house because I don't want to interact with people. I've got like a handful of people that I'll hang out with anymore, but aside from them, more often than not I'm nervous or scared to try and hang out with someone that I know I'll have to "put on the happy face" for. It's beyond exhausting trying to mingle with people and be casual and have small talk. I usually don't care about anything anyone is saying, but I don't want to be a **** to them, so I try and act interested. I used to think I was good at acting, but now I'm not so sure anymore. So I just say screw it and don't go hang out with people. That's my harsh reality.

I want more than anything to live a happy life and be social with people and all that. It's my number one goal. I used to be that guy. I used to be everyone's best friend. I've been the best man at 3 weddings, and I've had a bunch of people confide in me and admit that I'm their best friend. That's the kind of guy I used to be. Now? Psh. I'm a speck of who I used to be. Now I'm an angry, bitter, anti-social, unemployed, insecure, short fused, regretful, lonely and seriously sad person. I'm scared that I'll never be great again. I don't want to die, but I'm afraid that if I don't get my depression under wraps, I'll die of a stress related heart attack or something (which is something I often think about actually). Sometimes I'll induce panic attacks because if I feel the slightest pain in my arm or chest or whatever, I'll have to convince myself that I'm not having a heart attack. That's a terrible thing to have to struggle with, let me tell you.

Yeah, I'm pretty messed up these days. Although, my acting must not be that bad, cause I somehow manage to function in the world. Barely.....but I do it. Some people know what's going on, but very few. Those that I haven't talked to about it probably just think that I've written them off, cause lord knows I never contact them.

I just want to get better. Can anyone relate or does anyone have any advice or ideas? Anything you can offer would be appreciated.

Thanks for your time : )
Darkaera81 Darkaera81
31-35, M
6 Responses Dec 2, 2012

svj1983 - I haven't heard of it actually. I will definitely check it out right away. Thank you! That's very sweet of you to try and help me. I'm liking this website more and more : )

I feel for you as I have more or less the same, but I did get a little help from the linden method by Charles linden, have you come across it at all? If not look it up its worth a try x

clwjustyce - I'm here if you ever want to share anything with me. I'm a pretty sharp guy and chances are I can relate to what you might be going through. Also.....sdavis72...same goes for you. Actually, anyone that reads this, I encourage you to hit me up. I'd be happy to help you help me. I think this could be theraputic actually. Thanks again everyone : )

Like I had posted before I am new to this site and honestly didn't expect a response. I'm just gettin my feet wet here and seeing how this all works. It seems you have gotten rather accustomed to sharing; I am rather trepidatous. This whole depression and anxiety world that I am living in is wrecking my life. It takes me hours to prepare myself to leave the house. Just hearing the phone ring sends me into a panic attack especially when I don't recognize the number. I am pathedic. I don't drink but occasionally. I've been on meds a few times but nothing for long periods. We lost our insurance. I'm my own worst enemy. I know what I should be doing but I feel overwhelmed and broken. In my head it sounds like screaming like it's over stimulated. I just shut down. I'm college educted with a degree in this s**t and I can't move to fix anything. I feel weak and embarrassed. I have read other post where they say to just talk to people and let them know how you're feeling. Tell them "I'm depressed today" or "I have anxiety." Really! I have enough trouble admitting it to myself much less everyone else. I hate the pity look on their faces. I don't want pity. I want my life back. Am I going crazy?????

No, you're not going crazy. You've been unfortunately dealt a s**t hand of cards, much like me and anyone else experiencing hardcore depression and anxiety. There's no point in fruiting it up....it sucks badly. It's very difficult to overcome and can sometimes last for a person's entire life. That's why it's so important to "be comfortable talking about it." The more effort you put into fixing it, and the more seeds you plant, the better chance you have of a happy little plant growing. Not to sound all cheesy....but it's true. I understand exactly where you're coming from though. I too am my own worst enemy. By far! I'm too smart and capable to do nothing with my life, as I'm sure many people suffering from this disease are. I also feel the same initial "yeah right" feeling when I think about talking to people about what's going on with me. I think that if you're talking to a simple minded person that doesn't have the mental capacity to understand major depression, let alone the intellect to try and even remotely respond to it.....there's little good that can come from a conversation with them. It's important to talk to people about what's going on...but only under the circumstances that you can actually take something from the conversation. That person has to be able to offer you something. If it's just an ear....that's not really gonna do anything. Sure, it might do some good for someone just a little bummed out, or going through some kind of situational depression. But for people like you and me, it's imperative that if we are gonna talk to someone, they have to be the "right" person. Know what I mean?

We have to accept the fact that our conditions are ruining our lives, and we have to acknowledge that we are in some serious trouble. Once we accept these things, and then acknowledge that without help, we will probably stay this way, then the answer becomes more clear: we have to seek help of some kind.....any kind. Whether that's a shift in our own personal consciousness that results in us actually helping ourselves, or seeking out the right kind of remedy. Either way, something's gotta give here. We can't (and don't deserve to) continue living this way. I would say just take things one step at a time and don't think of the problem as a whole, rather, as a process. Concentrate on small victories. Target one small thing that you can do, and focus on doing that and that alone. Then once you've got a good handle on that, take things a step further. Just keep doing that until next thing you know....you're naturally doing some of the things that used to be considered scary to you.

I wish you all the best. I'm in this with you. It's my wish to continue talking to people like you and sharing advice and stories. I think this website is a great thing for people like us. I encourage you to share more.

I'll talk to ya later : )

you rock for once again responding!!! I'm so relieved you understood what I was getting at. I was afraid I was coming across as..well..an ***. Do you find it easier in our cicumstance to pick up on things that people don't say rather than what they do? Why should we always have to tell people how we are feeling? I find it real easy to see it written all over peoples faces. Are others not intuned to social cues???

I know exactly what you mean by the right kind of person. Trust is crucial. It's everything to me. And it takes a long time for me to build that with a person. I hate getting personal with people I don't trust. I find this rather easy to share things which surprises me. Probably because it's so unpersonal. Does that make sense? I like I'm not being judged here for all my imperfections. And I'm a hot mess. I too lost my job. I was with the company for 18 years. Had a boss that harrassed me. Never in my life had I worked with someone like that. I could put my degrees to work right now and tell you exactly what was wrong with this ***** but I don't want to wind myself up. Sueing the company. My problems started before this but it certainly didn't help. I'm rambling with no real direction. I find it easier if I just write and not reread. JUST SHARE.

I do find it easy to pick up on what people don't say, rather than the things they do say. I've always been a pretty intuitive person. I wish sometimes that people shared that intuition so they could just talk to me the way I need and want. But it's rare that anyone really understands what's going on. I've yet to find that one person that I can trust no matter what, to just "get" what's going on with me. It's frustrating...

1 More Response

sdavis72 - thank you for taking the time to respond to my story. I've found that nothing has gotten any easier at all. I haven't given up, and I'm not gonna stop trying, but with each small step forward, there's always a giant step back that creeps its way into my life somehow. So my patience over the years has been tried quite a bit. But like I said, I'm still trying to better myself and my frame of mind. I just had a job interview today as a warehouse/counter person/delivery driver for a local electrical supply company. If I land the job, that'll be step one in a long process of fixing myself. My fingers are sure as hell crossed!

Thank you again though. I really appreciate it! My name is Justin by the way....

Don't be afraid to tell people what you're dealing with. You don't even have to go into great detail. Just say something like, "I'm coping with depression right now". I'm sure some people that you know are dealing with some kind of depression or anxiety and, like you, are putting on the "fake smile". I've learned from experience that a lot of people are more unhappy than they let on.

I can't guarantee life is going to get easy. Seems like the harder you try the more difficult life becomes. It's awful.

Good thing to do - live your life one day at a time. Look for help if you can. Try not to self-medicate (alcohol, drugs, food, etc...) - though I see you already realize this. Look for professional help.

I wish you all the best and hope you find your way

Your story is sadly familiar. I just found this site. I appreciate you sharing. It's sad how it sneaks up on you. One piece of you at a time.