Depression And Guilt Of Today.

First things first, this website is awesome. I can now post my stories, and share my wisdom and strength and the REAL me without fear of being judged, treated with pity, or having to lie to keep someone happy. I can be me, and not have to worry about anyone I know ever finding this. So, It's 3:32 AM, and I'm sitting in bed. Can't sleep. I tired earlier today, but then the meds I'm taking started to make my tummy turn. Yesterday morning, I had an appointment to get a medication abortion. Don't freak out yet, just wait for the details. My boyfriend and I have only been dating for about 3 months, and its really hard for me because I just got out of a one year thing with my ex, who I fell really hard for. Which is amazing because never before him was I faithful, Honest, and actually cared about him. Anyways moving on..My new boyfriend..(I know, it was way to soon) had sex without a condom and then 6 weeks later, no period. Freak out mode was on. I come from a really messed up home, physical abuse, emotional abuse, ******, and it was because my parents weren't ready for kids and had them anyways, and to sum it up really quick..They got murdered in 1995. Only god knows why or how it really happened. So I went into my Grandmas Care. She was NOT in the right state of mind to be raising two kids on her own. We were a dysfunctional family. All these moments and thoughts of my past, and childhood came flashing before me and I thought to myself. NO. There is no way that I'm ever going to put my child in those kind of problems. My life wasn't great, but I will make sure my child's life will be filled with Happiness, and joy. Not to experience life as I did. I went through with the first pill at the clinic, and took the rest of the pills this afternoon. I'm feeling a lot of guilt because I had to hide it from a lot of my friends. They wouldn't understand. They are college students trying to have fun and party and get laid. They don't understand me because we grew up in completely different worlds. Also, My adoptive parents who adopted me fresh out of a 9 month lock down rehab center, and they are the most faithful, god loving people out there. If I told them they would have been super disappointed. I had a year clean and everything was going so good, I blew it and they were really sad about it. Imagine if I told them I was sleeping with my boyfriend, got pregnant, and aborted a child. Not good. So this guilt is just eating and eating at me. I know I made the best choice for me. I am not ready, I still have so much growing up to do spiritually , and emotionally. In a few years I will be able to have a family, and to actually provide them with everything they need and deserve.
DKPrincess DKPrincess
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 6, 2012

I am sorry for all you've been through. No one should live that way. It seems life can be so tough yet so easy for others. I do consider myself prolife. I'm not judging you. I know it had to be very difficult for you to share your story. Through EP I hope you receive help. Ig thhe decision you made makes you feel guilty, please see a couselor. Let others help you. You will have friends here

Thank you so much Keeva. I have been doing a lot of counselling and It's helping me out! Spreading my story to others is what helps me get better. :)