No Refills

I've gone through my first bottle of Xanax substitute. I got them after the ER episode, and I have not taken them everyday since. I'm not sure if they even worked yesterday though. Some of my goals for this week are to go get another prescription, go running, go swimming, go lift weights, find my books(?), wrap Hunny's presents, figure out what to do about the headband, blah.

I have trouble seeing the big picture. This article says that when people are stressed, there's less activity in the reflective regions of the brain. All the focus is on reacting in the stressed mind. No wonder I feel as though my brain is broken. I'm so messed up that I can't even think properly. I know where this started but how do I change it? What does it mean to see small or big pictures?

When I see the details, I see how Hunny makes eye contact with other girls. I see him lick his lips. I hear the tones of his voice. I see how his smile usually doesn't reach his eyes. I see where I did something wrong. I see how knocked my knees are and all of those bad things that I could be exaggerating.

I think you have to have wide lenses to see that someone played a bad game. Maybe they played two bad games in a row. But that doesn't mean that they are a bad player. But then you have to be able to see the small stuff. Maybe that someone ate burgers when they should have been eating something lighter. They are a runner. They are supposed to be fast. When does eating a burger help someone be light and fast?

I am very hard on myself. I don't even know why I am writing this. Just for records sake? Just because I think I should? Maybe because I'm afraid to look for a job instead. I have some new additions to my wardrobe that I am pleased with but the collection is not complete and my hair is still a mess. I want to be beautiful and I want to be loved. Being so obsessed with those two things hurts me...a lot. I don't know how to not worry. I don't know how to be okay. Okay isn't good enough anyway. Perfect is good enough. Being obsessed with perfection makes me anxious which makes me unperfect which makes me depressed which makes me unloveable. Does that make sense?

Big picture: Being obsessed with perfect isn't working. Stop it. Stop working about being perfect and the time will come where you look in the mirror and feel perfect in your own right. It's obviously not working to be obsessed. SO STOP.

Small picture: It's okay to want to look better in clothes. Lumps and bumps aren't beautiful. So you can only do----ARGH! My brain is so stupid. What the heck am I doing?
sunshineunder sunshineunder
18-21, F
2 Responses Dec 9, 2012

I understand. And everything you say makes sense.

Are you examining every inch of yourself on the outside without look at the best part the inside.
Anxiety is FEAR.
F alse
E vidence that
A pears
R eal